My Own Era’s Fate

[imood mood at time of entry: sorrowful]

I think all of my melodramatic wonderings concerning my talent as a would-be writer have not been for nothing. I am seriously questioning my continuation with my long-standing fascination with the written word. Sure, I have spent most of my life expressing myself mainly through the use of my stories, essays, journals, and the like, but I truly have no definite plans for the rest of my life besides an intense desire to travel, write, and enjoy computers.

I know that I can vaguely make out ways to work within these desires, but not to what end would it get me. I know that there are things I want to do before I inevitably die, but I must still find some way to completely make the transition to adulthood by moving out. I will be 20 this year, and I still live at home. I never expected to stay here this long. I now have a job and a computer, once more. I have started saving up, and there might be a hook into my uncle’s Internet business in the future for me. Most of all, I think a substanial part of me wishes to give up writing as my largest change.

I just can’t find it in myself to write anymore. I have all but abandoned my DD journal, and my stories are never updated. I suppose that I will write for a few more months, but if life continues as has been going for the past month or so, I will be out of the written portion of my fandoms, and away from online journaling for a while, if not forever.

This is far from a cry to have people reach out to me and have them ‘convince’ me to stay, but losing Miss Marie has truly shown me my fate. It has shaken and hurt me more than I knew losing an online friend ever could. It is almost as bad as losing Jade. It think the feelings of loss and emptiness are different, because I got to read Marie’s personal thoughts written out in full, while Jade and I chatted. The sadness is still present, but each stranded friendship represents something different to me.

I read Miss Marie’s last entry and wrote a nice long comment asking her if she was going to keep in contact with her ‘friends’, I never got an answer. I think that hurts worse than the entry itself. Her leaving showed me just how limited my time is here at DD. I once could not fathom how anyone would want to leave this site. I could not see how a person would not want to write in their blogs every single day. Time, obligation, and finally Marie’s need to withdraw from her online life has shown me that I, too, will more than likely make the same choice.

And Jade. . . Well, Jade. . . I miss her. I think about her all the time. I wonder how she is, and how her daughter is doing. I wonder what happened to her baby, and why she took her story down off of FanFiction.Net. I wonder what happened between her and her boyfriend. I checked her Yahoo! Profile a couple of months ago, and it said that she was Single. She had recently updated the Profile, too.

Our own split is a constant reminder that my online friendships will not last forever. There are some that I stubbornly cling to whether they or I come by DD or not (pretty much everyone on the list of journals I read, and have known for over a year. Deimos, Chaos, Magic, Lytewyng, Aeolian, Mango being at the top of thoughts right now as I write this.) in hopes that I will retain some connection to them.

Now, there’s Lucy. We get along well enough, and we are always more than ready to stick up for one another; yet, at times, it is made clear to me that she will become another Jade. Some bitter argument that could have been avoided will divide us, and I will be left with an abuptly ended friendship that leaves me wondering for years to come.

I wonder especially when will I fully reach the end of my Internet life. I have been without my computer for the better part of the last week, and I did not feel overly rushed to find a way to the nearest public library to use the Internet. I think that I am finally burnt out on it. I was even hesitant about restarting my computer up this time. When I finally got everything set back up in the order to which I am accustomed, I froze. I had the entire world in front of me upon my screen, and I had no desire to see any of it. Yes, my days here are certainly beginning to wane.

I have been at DD for a little over two years now, and sometimes I feel as though I have nothing left to say. Or, perhaps I cannot not draw the energy required of me to archive my thoughts here any longer. Not if they will get lost in the entry listing somewhere. It would not be so bad if special entries had a place to go.

Hell, the dead rock station post was mentally over two months old. I have an entry written about being stranded on another part of town in my offline journal some time in October of last year that never completed it’s journey here either. I have links and all sorts of things that I email myself with the intention of mentioning them here, so that I will have a place to keep my Memories. But, they never make it out of my Inbox. They sit for months without ever being opened. I currently have 153-ish emails in my Inbox, most of them are old as all outdoors, and they were meant to be shared here. *sighs deeply*

I just feel so tired when I think about writing now, like it’s become some type of ugly chore. I think about anything I write now and feel sick. I feel as though I have to get away from it. Like I am utterly embarrassed about the heat of the moment things I post/write. Even being recognized as an author makes me ill. People leave me reviews and I want to hurl. A tiny part of me gets excited, but I almost cannot bear to have my name associated with anything written online right now.

I do not know if this is permanent, or just a phase, but I do hope that things with this situation will be figured out soon. I don’t know how much longer I can go about feeling ill when I think of my dorky fandoms and my attempts at genius. Though part of me feels that my Internet days are over, I have adopted yet another trashed project. I am not sure who started the group, but I came across a Tom Felton Meetup Group. I rather like the idea of being able to spend time with other people who like the same things that I do in my own city. It sure as hell will beat bonding with people, and never having the slightest possiblity of ever meeting them. Perhaps I shall be able to bond fully with the other group members. Since there was no one to run the group, I took up the post until someone says otherwise.

Anyway, I am going to post the little button for the Houston Tom Felton group where I remember to do so. I wish myself a lot of luck with this. Maybe I can find a nice LiveJournal Community. That’s another thing I love about LJ. There is a Memory archive function. That way, my entries are not lost to a mounting number of entries. If only DD had something like this. . .

Danielle

Note: This is the promos button that will now be in my Footer, and anywhere else that I can think of.