Hell Wrapped in Heaven & Replies

[Imood mood at time of entry: cheerful]

I got in from work about 40 minutes ago, and only the tiniest bits of me are still frazzled. I was forced to go to Hell today. For those of you who are not Levy employees, that would be several specific work areas at my job. I would mention exactly which area it is, but I am careful about sharing that information with even my co-workers, the whole world can’t know willynilly.

I was orginally assigned to my favorite area to work in, but we got a last-minute none profit group to work there. Nearly everyone got reassigned. When I heard where I was to go, I wanted to go home. I seriously thought about leaving, but I need the hours. besides, how would that look if I went home because I was reassigned to another area? I have only been working at my job three weeks, and I cannot go about acting like a spoiled brat/bitch. Bleh.

So I went on to the area without complaint, and tried to be as calm as possible. As soon as I walked into the back staff area, I got all of these comments and noises. Tonight was a 70s/Disco night, and we were all issued free retro shirts. All of the patrons got them two at the door. Well, they only came in two sizes, Large, and Extra Large. Being a large breasted girl meant that the shirt would fit a bit snug. Every-damn-body oogled and had some type of remark, especially (unsurprisingly) the digusting males. Ugh.

So I walked into the area intent to just do my best that I possibly could, and the area stayed true to it’s reputation. The regular people there were as ghetto and acidic as ever. I truly wanted to start cursing and beating the crap out of everyone.

Though the staff was horrible, most of the customers were okay. I had some idiotic/whiney/difficult people that went out of their way to make my job harder than it already is. Just when I was planning a “This is a THANKLESS (!!!) JOB” post, a guy tipped me three bucks for four beers. Whew!! Thank the Goddess for decent lovable customers. I work so hard sometimes, and I have a worse time getting along with my co-workers than the customers. I usually get people who come back to me several times, and I get to know them. It truly says something when I cannot stand some of my horrid co-workers even a tenth of the way I adore some of my chatty/friendly/wonderful customers.

I only wish that I had been in a different area today. The theme day was the best(!), and I could not even enjoy it! My job is so amazing about keeping things fresh and interesting. There are theme nights, celebrations, employee dinners, a company hard-worker award, rewards, all types of things. I hate that such crap people who are bitter and jaded have to ruin my experience. I am *new*, I should be able to enjoy myself for at least a little while. I came in the second and third days I actually worked to this same environment.

I can’t quit either, I don’t want to. Even though my feet hurt and I am tired after a day’s work, I feel satified, like I have done something worthwhile. It may not seem that way, but just seeing all of the smiles on my customers faces, and hearing them tell me how cheerful/nice/plesant I am makes me feel that I am appreciated, despite my irritanting co-workers.

As I sit here writing this, one of my love/hate songs has come on, and I realize why it is a love/hate song. Deep down I want someone to sing a “She Will Be Loved” (Note: sung by Maroon 5. This linked lyric page has pop ups.) song for me, or at least show me that same type of consideration. I do have people who express an interest in me, but they are always the wrong type of guy. There is this one guy at work who seems to like me. He asked for my number, and he called me. He comes across as the type that would love me the way I need it most, and would not be completely judgmental about the crazy things I like. I don’t want to get too excited and hopeful about this guy, because things have a way of puttering out instead of paning out for me. But the possiblity is enough to make me feel a tad
bit giddy.

*gasps* I almost forgot to add!! I saw Jimmy Neutron at my job Sunday (January 16, 2005). I loooooove Jimmy Neutron!! My job had him doing some type of attraction of something. I only got to see him once though! I wish that I could have had my picture taken with him. I wanted to run over to him and tackle him to floor and profess my undying love for him. *lol* God, I am such a big kid/dork! I watched the movie three times in theaters and tried to make up any excluse to see it more times. It did not work, but I did rent the movie. I learned the Chicken Polka from Jimmy. I love you Jimmy!! Okay, I am done now. *cough*

In reply to my wonderful comments:

Chaos: Getting published does screw with who you are and how you see yourself. I got to the point where I was hopeful/expected/really wanted reviews and feedback, but was disappointed more times than I was not. I think a lot of my being wore down had to do with my optimism being stripped away by the jaded, older cliques on the Internet. It’s like they have nothing better to do besides flame people for no good reason.

Like earlier today, I found an LJ Community that I mentioned wanting to find in the “Era” entry, and one person could not resist being snarky to me. His comment is below. Houston is a damned great city, and most of the occupants that I have come across are good people. Mostly down-to-earth and friendly. I cannot believe that someone like this replied to my little entry that way. So much for networking. *huffs*

(His comment: nobody cares because youre not a chick.)

I do hope to go gracefully when and if I leave the Internet. I don’t know if I can leave forever though. But who knows what will happen?

Solo: I do think that I just need a bit of change in my life. Things have become a little stagnant. I think with the new job keeping me away more often, I will come to appreciate the life I have online. And yes, forever is a long time. I do think that this whole phase has to do with this huge hurdle that has sort of smacked me in the face, and is now insisting on not being put off any longer.

I am not certain if I can actually do anything to help the Meetup Group, but I really want to get to the know the people in my city who love the same things that I do. It’s worth a shot in my eyes.

I am glad that you are still here. =D

Keisha: I am stunned that you left me a comment! I could not believe it when I got the notice! *lol* I have been reading through your diary for a good while now, and I always come back because of the truthfulness of your entries. You display more courage in your public entries than I will ever be capable of. I simply cannot share that much about myself. At least not as I get older. *grins* Just to let you know, even when I do not write stories/entries, I still go read other people’s. I usually will write long comments as a way to have posted an entry. *lol* *hugs*

JanuaryGirl: Awww! *hugs* I know exactly what you mean. I have lost three favorites on DD since I came here. I read their entries all the time! I miss them.

Now that I know that you check my journal, I feel bad about not updating! I will try to update here instead of on LiveJournal. It’s a closed journal anyway. Only 24 people have access to my entries at this time on that site. I only post my stories there for the whole world to read.

I really should update my journals/diary list. I do go by your journal. I will Friend you tonight.

Thank you once more to everyone who took the time to leave me a comment. I was so depressed/crushed/not quite able to put my finger on it that as I wrote the entry, I just cried and felt awful. I even got misty when I read over it again to double check for spelling errors when I came to read the comments left for me.

I do hope that everything works out okay, but I can’t get better unless I experience a bit of hell/pain first. I know this, and I am doing my best to accpet this fact.

Yours,

Danielle