Oh God Will It Never Stop?

Ok, so I am back here writing again. I just feel the need to confess and get things off my chest.

I told Prestina about Jay wanting to sleep with me. Jay is the guy that Prestina was being sweet talked by. He is trying to convice her to sleep with him since her and Damien are/were having problems. He had been secretly talking to me for a few days. He and Prestina had called me on three way a few days ago and since then he has been using my number to call me. He asked me not to tell Prestina because she would be mad.

I feel so empty inside. I just want to cry because my boyfriend cheated on me and Prestina’s utter look of anger and hurt is stuck in my head. God, I want to go far far away right now.

I knew Cris hated that I am more in to politics than he is and that I don’t go to church like he does, but I wasn’t sure how much it it bothered him. A lot apparently. I would ask him if he wanted to talk about what was bothering him but he would always say that there wasn’t anything that he wanted to talk about. I also knew that he was more about sex than I was. He’ just another player who did in a another girl. What made me think that I could ever find a good Black man. There aren’t any.

It turns out that it was good that I didn’t go with Cris to his room. Prestina told me that Cris had planned to get me out of the room the next morning and have someone else there that night. He told her how he had some girl who was a freak and would do all sorts of things with him. I kind of figured something was up surrounding the room. He told me that he would stay the entire weekend, but he wouldn’t say anything about me staying the whole weekend with him.

I am just so hurt right now because I was stupid enough to trust him. It will be a very long time before this happens again. If ever.

I tried to call his house a second time a few minutes ago to see if he wanted to have his say. I can’t believe I felt bad for not letting him have his say.

I had even wrote him a letter hoping to explain why I am the way I am, but I tore it up. He doesn’t need to read it. I think that I will tear up the hard copy of my Alan story that I planned to give him.

I think that I need to be alone and wander right now. I think that I will go to 35th Street park and think. Or maybe somewhere else. I am hurting so bad inside that I don’t know how to let it out except my tears. I want to confront him about what I know, but I don’t want to let him know that Prestina told me.

God. . . I can’t believe that I thought I loved him. Stupid me.

Oh, I also wanted to say a few days ago that I was going to allow everyone to comment. Just because I was upset by a couple of bad comments doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t allow those who don’t have an account but want to include something speak. I am going to change my Setting in a few minutes when I done here.

I just want to die right now. Maybe I will be shown mercy and be hit by a big truck on my walk. Maybe I will die in my sleep. Or maybe the pain will eventually go away and I will live. Right now this second part of me hopes it is the last one, but part of me hopes that truck is nice and big and driving three times the speed limit.

Danielle