Creaky

*sigh*

I feel as though I have too many stress inducers on my plate right now.

I felt like writing yesterday, but I changed my mind to finish dealing with Dame’on. Cris and him had it out yesterday. It was ugly to say the least. Prestina and I don’t know what to do about them. It’s between them really. Of course their mutual dislike for one another stemmed from me and Prestina being friends, but it’s their issue.

I am sort of excited because I start school Monday. I spent all of yesterday getting myself into school. I went all the way out to Lee and then to Booker T. to get my transcripts. Then I went over to the school and checked myself in. I feel good about it like it’s the right thing to do. I guess I just needed a break from school. I do want to finish though so I can go on to the next level. It turns out that I had more credits than I thought I did. I’m still a Junior, since that is when I left, but I was closer to a Senior then I thought I was.

I talked to Cris this morning. I wanted to break up with him. I had been talking to Prestina and I didn’t feel that I liked him anymore. Maybe I don’t. I hadn’t talked to him on the phone in a few days so we stayed in the phone until 2 this morning. Prestina told me how he said that he had wanted to break up with me way back when, but stayed because he thought I was crying. I asked him last night why did we stay together if we both felt that we had no future together. He said that he didn’t know. If he doesn’t know, then I sure as hell don’t.

I do know that we need a break. I just don’t love Cris. I thought I did long time ago, but I don’t. I was in love with the idea of us being in love. This is why I don’t do the love thing. There are confusions and bullshitting and mess. Just plain and simple mess. I don’t even like him anymore. I don’t think. Hrmm.

I just needed to be out of the house and walking around. I spent all of yesterday walking around getting things done. I need to go home and clean my house, but I need to clear my head right now.

Mark called me this morning and tried to bully me into going to San Marcos. I really don’t want to go anymore. I am enrolled in school here and I am not moving there. I wish that everything would just go away.

Here’s the quote from the book Leslie’s Journal (page 68):

“One of the horrible things about dating guys is, all of a sudden, out of the blue, for no reason, they just stop calling you. It’s BANG: one minute you’re their girlfriend and the next minute you aren’t. And they won’t even say why. It’s like they’re afraid to face you and have you get mad at them. So there’s always this scary feeling in the back of you mind. At the same time they’re smiling and laughing with you, they may be planning to split. But you don’t have to watch a talk show to prove what I’m saying – just ask any girl in my school.”

How true is that? I know that’s true about about me and the way I feel about guys when I’m with them. Maybe I’m not the relationship type of girl. What makes it worse is that I like somebody else. I mean, I have no chance whatsoever with this person, but I like them all the same. Everytime I see them I get all tingly and and happy and stuff. Gosh. . . I wish I knew. I know that if Cris knew any of this he would be like, “So do you want to break up?” And I couldn’t even lie and say “no.” because I know that I do want us to break up for a little while. You know, see other people and then get back together if we still feel anything for one another.

*sighs*

Danielle

(To explain today’s title: I feel shaky like a flight of old stairs in an old house. Like I am trying to make up those stairs to the next level without falling through and getting terribly hurt in the process.)