Taking A Breath – Your Congratulations

imood mood at time of entry: bizarre]

Entry Notes:

The song being used in this entry is:

“Your Congratulations”
from Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie
Performed by Alanis Morissette
Lyrics by Alanis and Glen Ballard (<- I think)

***(words here)*** – means that the lyrics are being sung or listened to on the CD player, whichever way you choose to look at it.

I walk through the halls here at school and look at all of the groups of smiling happy students who are loud and “ghetto”. I wonder to myself if my sometime misery is necessary. Maybe I could just be like them and pretend to be all about clothes and sex.

***I wouldn’t have compromised so much
so much of myself for fear of
having you hating me***

But then I realize that it wouldn’t matter because I am not like them. I am not overly into clothes and status and everything superfical. I value life and people and nature and their (people and nature) spirits. So shoot me. They would not like me whether I bent to change myself to become them anyway.

***I would’ve sung so loudly
it would’ve cracked myself!
I became self-conscious
of anything exuberant***

So I keep quiet and keep to myself and say nothing unless absolutely necessary. I try and stay away from the crowds and the hurt that they could inflict upon me. I have become afraid to be seen or make noise in anyway sometimes. I should run screaming down the halls shouting how wonderful I am. Singing at the loudest that my lungs will allow and just be.

***I wouldn’t have sold myself short
I wouldn’t have kept my eyes
glued to the ground
if I had’ve known my invisibility
would not make a difference***

Though I put my best effort into not being here, it doesn’t matter because everyone sees one way or the other. They see when I walk in a door because my large breasts draw attention to me or for my intelligence. There is no where to go, but sit in the middle of the maelstrom and find a way to amuse myself. I rarely take the time to truly look into the eyes of those around me, for I find the ground much more interesting.

***I would’ve run around screaming proudly
at the top of my voice***

If I had have known that I could not just disappear despite how hard I tried, I would not have drawn into myself as much. Maybe I would been more open all of the time instead of some of the time.

***I wouldn’t have said it was in fact luck
I’m talking idealism here***

I wouldn’t have downplayed my triumphs. I would have allowed myself to shine and dazzle in my moments of glory.

***I would not have been so self deprecating***

I would not have gotten into the pattern of beating myself down, but then I have always been my harshest critic. No matter how cruel a person can be, I can do so at the very least, ten times worst because I know what makes me cry and what causes me to stay awake at night shaking with fear. No one could hurt me like I can.

***I wouldn’t have cowered
for fear of having my eyes scratched out!***

I wouldn’t have stayed away from everyone else, even though they didn’t readily accept me as their own. I would have at least put some effort forward. Perhaps.

***If I knew that
I wouldn’t have cut my comfort off***

I wouldn’t have gone out of my way to make myself uncomfortable. I wouldn’t have enjoyed the pain I receive from the evil people around me and my misguided notions of love that always lead to more pain. Little masochist that I am.

***I wouldn’t have feigned needlessness***

I wouldn’t have cast myself in the role of the nobody that no one needs.

***I would not have discredited
every one of their compliments***

If I had have known that I would need the confidence that compliments could give me in a time of need, I would not have thrown them away so carelessly when they were freely offered by well-meaning people. I would have instead appreciated them and held them close so that I may recall them when I needed to. I could keep in mind that there was someone in the world who thought I had some worth when I could not see it myself.

***it was your approval I wanted
your congratulations***

But even in the end, all I have ever wanted was to make everyone proud of me, for it is what I fantasize about the most.

Danielle