Ho Hum. . .

It’s really been a bad last couple of weeks for me, because of the not working and all of the stress that goes with it. Last night, as I laid in bed, I once again begin plotting the perfect suicide. I’ve been having these intense migraine that will last for days at a time that seem to flare up out of nowhere. Convinced that I was already going to die of brain cancer or an aneurysm, I began planning how I could successfully steal my neighbor’s gun I know that she had a few years back.

I thought of what I would do on my last day and where I would do it (To the Museum of Fine Arts and then in the open-air theater in the park). I don’t think that I will do anything of the sort, but I know that if I did have something like a brain tumor, there’d be absolutely nothing that I could do about it. I don’t have health insurance and I don’t even have the hospital’s Gold Card. I don’t have any money or know anyone that would be willing to pay for treatment should I need anything small or serious. It would be better if I ended things on my own terms than to waste away if it came down to it. For now, I just don’t know.

I do know that I intend to look for a job all-out this week, because my mom’s got her van back. If she’s not flippin’ busy, she can drive me to interviews now. Hopefully. Usually, she spends all of her time at Aunt Precious’ house. It seems that whatever is going on over there takes precedence over anything that I need. I’ve come to accept that fact, although my bitterness about it is as strong as ever.

It turns out that I didn’t get the scholarship that I so desperately needed, nor did I manage to take the test that I was required to for final entry into my college. Apparently, I missed the sign up date or something. It looks like I’m not going anywhere this fall, and it sucks to be knocked back a peg. I have considered trying again for the Spring, but part of me doesn’t want to bother. Most of me is vaguely determined to do something, because I can barely afford groceries at this point. I’m eating Ramen and rice and whatever else my dwindling bank account can handle. It’s frustrating to be stuck in such a rut and not have a clear way out. I mean, I’ve been stuck before, but nothing like this.

There is no clear plan of action at this point besides prayer and the insistent urge that I get back to my witchy roots. I swear that I feel spell casting calling out to me stronger than ever. I don’t know if it is merely my desperation or the fact that this feeling has been slowly building for some time now. I figure that it’s a bit of both, because that is what it seems like.

Even though I haven’t been actively celebrating and following the Wiccan path, I have yet to fail to remark on the phases of the moon or take note of the Sabbaths. I always end up wishing that I could do something to participate in the festivities of those occasions, but I never do. I pray often, usually when I’m worried or scared or want to thank the folks upstairs for granting me another day of life. But it all feels like the greater part of my former Wiccan faith is missing and is yearning to come back, stronger than ever. Well, this is only on the stronger flare ups of instinct, like the past couple of days.

I still recite a few of the spoken spells/prayers that have become ingrained in my life, in me. They’ve simply become a part of who I am now. So now I sit and contemplate my pursuit of the witchy way in life. That path has always felt so comforting, like home, like that is the way I should be living my life. I feel like I should literally clean house and begin anew, fresh. I want to say that I don’t know where to start, but a large part of me does, I’ve just been hiding from what I know I need to accomplish.

I can see the steps that I need to take in my mind’s eye, but a number of small things seems to cause me to stumble on the way to my goals. However! I am very happy to say that I have completed my three writing samples that I had been working on some time ago. I finally sat myself down and forced myself to finish them. Not only this, I went back over the ones that I had already written and re-worked them where they needed it. I only have do a final re-read and write a cover letter. I know, in theory, what my cover letter should say, but it’s been a long time since my cover letter training. Not to mention the fact that I’ve never had to write one before, let alone for a writing job that I actually want.

I know that it would kill me somewhat to receive a rejection letter, but I am actually counting on it. If I do receive such a response, I will at least have gained a professional read of my work. That is what I need the most. If anything else, I’ll have three entries to post here or three pieces that I can edit and try submitting to someone else. I don’t know yet, but I do know that I want the writing to be read by someone other than myself.

There is still no definite word where Chris is concerned. I saw him in the lobby of the college yesterday, and we hung out for a couple of hours. We just sat and played the RPG that he introduced me to. He teased and tickled me, as has become standard, but he also gave me Korn’s set list from the Family Values tour that he worked at on Sunday (August 6, 2006). I hugged him and kissed his forehead after I jokingly called him a bastard for being able to work the concert I wanted to see. I did ask him if he was sure that he wanted me to have the set list, but he told me that he had a tee shirt. I just said “Okay.” and accepted the gift.

After that, I left to go to library to check my two-day pile up of emails and post a rather snarky entry over on LiveJournal. (This was before I eventually came back out to hang out for a couple of hours.) I couldn’t help myself, really I couldn’t. It was just that these two authors in particular keep writing these stories that have tremendous potential, but then ruins them with horrible technical writing skills or some ridiculous smoop that completely alters who the characters are. I could help but laugh at said fiction. I mean, seriously. It’s like good!badfic.

Anyway, I have fiction that I am supposed to be writing. I have two gift fics that I owe a couple of people, but one of those people has already received two gifts already. The other chose topics that are hard as hell for me to write. She wants me to write her two characters on the run. Canonly speaking, that is almost impossible. I would hate to go AU on FFVII, but I might have to. I really like to stay as close to canon as possible these days. When I don’t, I shudder and think of my early fan fiction works. *shudders* That was some seriously scary fiction back then. Hell, I sometimes wonder if I’ve even improved at all now. I have continued reviews trickling in, so I guess that I have. Scratch that, I know that I have from the early days. It all still feels so weird.

My giftee for my LJ fic exchange liked her fic. I am so proud of it that I think that I am going to post it and another one of my fics here, even though I don’t keep an archive of my fiction on DD. It’s just that I am so proud of my first FFVII story and my exchange fic. There is also my non-con smut fic that I want to post everywhere, but it’s got all kinds of issues. At least, that is what my betas said. *shrugs*

It’s funny that I’m writing two different entries at once. I started out with my LJ entry at the top of this page, but have now gone into a DD one. I have been meaning to come hear and write for ages anyway, so here I am. I have an offline journal that has a bit jotted down in it, but it seems that I am mostly bottling things up these days and only letting them out in odd/bitchy ways. I really have to blame the hormones for some of the bitchiness. Really, I do.

I guess that this is as good a place to stop babbling as any, so here it is, the end of the entry. *smiles* I just hope that everyone is doing okay.

Danielle