Morbid Celebrity

[imood mood at time of entry: sketchy]

Note: The mall event I am speaking of occurred Saturday, February 26, 2005.

I am not certain now, since a week has passed, but I was (still am, to be truthful) quite convinced that I would have become one of them. One of the many young women who go out, take care of their affairs, and are never seen alive again by their friends and relatives.

I went to a local mall known for being dangerous in order to watch a cheap movie that I did not have time or money to see when it originally showed before I got a job.

I had spent the drizzly morning handing out flyers to the attendants of the Houston Rodeo Parade. Though some of the attendants were pissy and rude to me simply because I tried to hand them a flyer, I was still just as merry. It was raining, but it was nice to be out and just doing something normal for once.

I ended up handing out flyers with this cute girl named Maria (I think that was her name.), and I immediately liked her. She was shorter than me, was about the same age, and was Asian. (This is why I am questioning my memory of her actual name.) And of course, she had a boyfriend. Pooh.

I shopped a little at the Market Square Market that I spent a couple of hours advertising to the mostly uncaring/unethusiastic residents of Houston. Some were thrilled to get the flyers. I know that I would get exicted about a handmade market. But then I love arts and crafts and such.

After I was done being an Intern for the morning, I came here (Downtown Library) to decide where I wanted to go next. Against my screaming intuition that pretty much begged/proded me the entire way to the mall, I set my mind on seeing a movie at the dangerous mall.

I hate to think that my need for entertainment could have nearly cost me my life. I do not say it to be melodramatic, but because I saw how frightened the women who helped me get away from the man who followed me through the mall were. I don’t think I have seen people shake that way or hold that level of fear in their eyes in a very long time, if ever. I could feel the malice the man presented to me by listening to them recount my entrance into the mall, and how the man kept his eyes on me wherever I went.

My friend, Kris, was working that night at the movie theater, and I told him everything that I was told. He, his friend, his brother, and (to a lesser, bored degree) his brother’s boyfriend all hung out with me. I watched Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events surrounded by people who told me everything would be okay. I was shaking, and I did my best to watch the movie, but my eyes went to the entrance everytime someone entered the theater.

I quite enjoyed the movie, and I would love to see it again. I might wait for the DVD instead of returning to that mall alone. I love the Claire’s there, and the movie theater, but once one of the famed ill events the mall has a reputation for happns to you, it kills your desire to wander across a dark parking lot just to see a $1.50 movie and shop for earrings for your piercing.

I do feel odd right now. I am utter crap at being a cashier while on the portables, because they make me nerous, and my supervisors sort of expect more of me. Robert always looks at me odd and smiles in this imntimidating way. It always causes me to twitch and mess up my count. Whenever I work the stands, I am okay, but then people don’t stand over me telling me to hurry up because they want to go home. If I am not rushed, I work faster, and things come out even.

So last night was a night of frustration and twitching, and I did not get the fair end. I really should look over things more closely, but I don’t work well while intimidated. The money was on, because I made certain to give back the correct change. It was the count, as usual, which made me appear $51 over. *huffs and sighs* I had not wanted to simply up and quit, but I honestly suck at my job when I do the portables.

I did notice that a new round of classess are set to start at the culinary school near my house that I wanted to attend. I have some money set to the side for schooling, and I think that I might look into get certified as a chef like I wanted to. I have my TABC certification that I wanted as well. So now I can be a bartender. I just need to go online and learn how to make the drinks.

I am happy to say that I am writing again. I had been having trouble with the site and my general lack of confidence that I gave it up. I think the last story came out well, even if it weird.

To say that I am lost or frustrated would not fully capture the sentiment. It’s something that I cannot quite define. There is this promise, but an overall disappointment. I don’t know what it is actually.

I read through a book on ghosts this week, and I was/still am a bit scared out of my mind. But the further I read, the better I felt. I think that I am looking at my own past more objectively. Mostly, I feel better about the level of “gift” I was given. Some people have it much, much worse than me. I think praying not to directly see things was good for me when I was younger, because there was simply so much activity that frightened me; but now, it almost feels that it would be good to embrace everything and look into what once was. Maybe I could gain it back. Not that everything went completely away.

So I have to decide what I want to do today after I leave here. I could go to the movies at my old hellish job with this guy who is convinced that I am his soulmate, or I could wander about on my own. I don’t have much cash right now, since I had to spend my entire last paycheck on things I needed, but I want it to be something interesting. Mostly, I want it to be something that is not harardous to my well-being. I wish that I knew the free events going on tonight. I will look things up after I finish going on here.

I suppose that I can go read The Princess Diaries, A Novel (the first book in the series) now, as the feeling has not gone away, and I came here to read it. I don’t know if something is coming, or if I am dying. Something is not right with me. If I am dying, I need to set affairs and wishes down on paper, if something is coming, then I hope that I am prepared for it. I wish that I knew for certain what something was. *sighs* It just feels big, and I am a bit uneasy.

Danielle