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Okay, I’ve acknowledged my problem, but where do I go from here?

(12:34 A.M. – 1:21 A.M. US Central Time/Thursday/Home)

Personal Mood at time of Entry: sad

I am so ridiculously annoyed at the moment and in general as of late. I’m almost always irritable over one thing or another. Most of it stems from my interactions with people, especially people that never seem to be wrong about anything. I personally have embraced acknowledging the problems I’ve caused and the fuck ups that have happened because of my missteps. I’m doing my best to have direct conversations with people when I am frustrated with them instead of just letting it build up and yelling at them.

But for whatever reason, there are so many people that are resistant to these steps that I am trying to take. I understand that people are under no obligation to give any fucks about anyone other than themselves, but why must some of these people try to hinder my personal growth in the process? Why must my busybody coworkers muddle in my affairs or lose control so completely over their own, that it starts to effect the people around them?

I personally like to, and need to, have have limited contact with people when I am not required to do so as outlined by my job description. I like having my own space and not talking to other people and falling in love with books. I relish my love affairs with imaginary characters and television shows and movies. I find in my own company the understanding that is so totally lacking from the people in my life a lot of the time.

I have people that I can talk to and that I have friended on Facebook, but the simple fact of the matter is that the events of your life are merely gossip fodder for others. They are ways to examine you and weapons to cut you should you ever find yourself on your “friends” bad sides. In short, there are few people that can honestly be trusted with even the smallest of secrets, such as your middle name. I have found that many people, myself included, that are all perfectly ‘nice’ can turn out to be so thoughtless in the beat of a heart.

So.

Here I am irritated at my coworker for taking over my convenient morning shifts when she has a car. I have to wait for the last freaking bus of the night and walk through my dangerous neighborhood at midnight alone, armed only with my mom on my cell phone and pepper spray. It’s not much, but it’s all that I have at hand. And, the way that I figure it is my mom will at least know that something has happened to me if I’m talking to her as I walk home. That’s a lot more than many parents and loved ones of lost people receive.

When asked about why she insists on meddling so damned much, she gives excuse after excuse that basically amounts to bits of entitlement and her being a busybody. I have compared notes with another coworker and she spews more of the same to her.

Of course, matters haven’t helped that she’s really pissed me off to high hell a few times this year that literally had me considering bashing her window or slitting her tires. I’m talking, money and my DVD went missing for weeks. Of course, today she asks me to come in early right as I’m about to go to sleep, despite the fact that I was already covering her stupid night shift. A night shift that I always end up annoyed by and tense in response to. It is almost without fail that a large group of foreign people will come in as we’re closing and want to look at every damn thing, even though I’ve already told them more than once that we’re closing.

They stand around taking pictures and talking and wanting to look at everything, even though it’s abundantly clear that they’re holding me up. You know, because we’re obviously trying to close down just like everything else has been closed for hours where my job is located.

So, I end up stressing the entire time that I’m not going to get out of there in time and miss the last bus home, all because the person with a car to get home refuses to work at night since her husband is out of town.

Bitch.

Please.

I live alone and you at least have a dog to give criminals a second thought. I walk home alone and you can drive home safely. Her biggest complaint is that there are bushes near her front door that someone could hide in and attack her from. Although this is a valid point, I also bought this woman pepper spray out of my own pocket. It’s a short walk to her front door, but she refuses to carry the freaking pepper spray with her.

Of course, I reached the end of my patience earlier and posted about it on Facebook with no names attached. Naturally, my idiot coworker read the status that was only posted for about 30 minutes and called up to our job and asked Lynn about me and what I posted.

I ended up more or less snatching the phone out of Lynn’s hand and chewing Roxanne out. I mean, seriously? How is is okay for you to tell anyone about what you read on Facebook? She called back later and I told her that I was going to delete her if it happened again. She apologized, but the damage had already been done. To be honest, I’m glad that Lynn’s mad, because she’s done nothing but piss me off this entire year, not to mention the previous six years of her bullshit that I’ve put up with it.

Sometimes she means well, but she’s overly opinionated, doesn’t listen to anyone but herself, and is quick to dismiss anyone trying to tell her anything. I have seen her during her yearly review and she literally told off our department manager at the time. She refused to listen to where she could improve, because she was so busy laying into our boss.

It’s a freaking nightmare to deal with people like this, and there have been many of them. My job has this knack for hiring people that are arrogant, defensive, and refuse to hold themselves accountable for their own actions. This applies to old and young people alike. I say this, because I have seen where I was, which is what inspired me to step back a little more often and own the problems I have caused. It’s made me more willing to have a discussion as an adult, instead of just cursing out everyone.

Although I am still angry all of the time, I’m at least making an effort. The fact that people older than myself can’t be bothered is what really gets to me.

Besides all of that, there is Christine. I know that we’re still friends and that she’s got this new job, so we can’t talk as often. But, I’m still worried that I’ve annoyed or angered her. Perhaps it just seems this way, because she may or may not answer my messages and I never see her on AIM anymore. Chatting with friends is basically the measured amount of human interaction that I can stand most days and now that it’s gone, it’s difficult to adjust. It’s lonely and sad and makes me feel sort of abandoned.

I’m sure that I’ll adapt and go back to writing or aimlessly surfing before there were friends to chat with. But in the meantime, it just kinda sucks.

I’m sort of tired and I have a ten hour shift tomorrow, but I have Shrek the Third here and the slight disinclination to go to sleep just yet. I also really want to work on this fic that’s been giving me trouble for months now. I really wish that someone could do my writing for me or that I could just get my shit together enough to do it myself. I feel really hopeless sometimes, to be perfectly honest.

Danielle

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3 Comments

  1. I am sorry that you have to live in such a bad neighborhood and walk so far from point a to point b. I will not ever go out at night alone because we have a halfway complex down the road from us by nearby our two-year technical college. As for the co-worker making you feel the way you feel, I am glad you shared that and expressed yourself so openly. I love it! You write so excellently! Keep it up! This is what Dear Diary is for.

  2. Thank you for your kind words at my diary. I do my best and I go every week and enjoy it even though I fight about going, lol. I know when I have naughty or real good at my eating endeavors and the scale will show it. I cannot ask for more.

    I am a woman in her 40’s who has been around the block many times, and I do have an understanding heart, soul, and mind because I am a woman who was born with mild cerebral palsy and had been bullied and teased by kids who did not have anythhing better to do but to be hurtful and mean.

    I believe you and I both live in a world that wants to be against us somehow and treat as if we do not belong here. We have to keep our heads held high and live life to our fullest everyday.

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