(2:04 A.M. – 3:08 A.M. US Central Time/Monday/Home)
Personal Mood at time of Entry: Odd
I find myself in such an odd position these days. I am so utterly disconnected to everything, because I have moved away from any and everything in life and online piece by piece. When I think about engaging more, I either feel overwhelmed or am reminded why I do my best not to care about others or be friendly to anyone.
Most of all, I just feel tired and worn down. I am reminded each day that it is best to stay at home and read books, than it is to log on to websites or have conversations.
I have worked so hard at blocking out everything, that I am finding that my memory is failing me. I am often lost and confused and can’t remember conversations that I’ve had with people, because I don’t care to do so, I suppose.
I’m stuck in this place of Otherness, because I can see issues around me with certain clarity, but I feel absolutely powerless to effect any real change. Because no matter how hard we fool ourselves, every system put in place in all parts of the world are not meant to be short-circuited and I just feel like there is no point in trying to do anything most days.
So, how does one carry on when you feel like nothing is worth doing?
I really wish that I knew the answer to that, because I do my best to go through the motions online and off. But, I can see the cracks in my facade getting bigger and I know that more and more people are able to see them, too. I don’t think that I can hold it together most days and I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know how to deal with everything that feels like it’s crushing me.
There are points of light, like the fact that I am going on my very first real vacation to visit a fandom friend. I have always wanted to be one of those people that got to hang out with my fandom friends offline and I finally have that opportunity. I’ll be headed to Florida for the better part of two weeks. I’m going on Greyhound, because I have always wanted to take a long road trip, but none of my friends here have the time or money or want to go where/when I want to go.
I’ve been trying for years to get someone’s schedule and money situation to match up to my own, but it’s never worked out. I’ve always felt rather beat down about it, because all I heard were negatives or false positives. :-/
So, I’m finally getting my road trip and my vacation in one go. I’m really nervous about it, because I’m scared that it’ll be dangerous. I’m going through five states and anything could happen to the buses that I’ll be riding. Furthermore, I have to go though a city here in Texas known for it’s active KKK presence. I have a short layover during the daytime, but I’m still terrified. It’s the kind of city that all Black people in and around that area are taught from childhood that you are not to stay in that town at night and to move through quickly, but quietly. You are to draw no attention to yourself when going through Vider, Texas.
Problem is, you pretty much HAVE to go through Vider to leave Texas from the southern part of the state. Sooooo, that’s got me on edge in the worst way. I’m also going to have these short layovers in other states across the South that are well-known for their dislike of Black people. I’m scared that something’s going to happen to me and I’ll either not make it to Florida or not make it back.
I’m also deathly afraid that something bad will happen to the buses. I’ve seen way too much coverage of buses getting into horrible crashes or bursting into flames.
I’ve already bought my tickets. I’ve bought a new suitcase and I’m planing what I should take with me. I’m looking forward to shopping and going to the beach and hanging out without worrying about anything. I’m looking forward to renting a car and driving around wherever I end up.
I am worried that I’ll make some ridiculous faux pas and everyone will look at me weird or dislike me. I’m just really nervous about this, because it’s so far out of my current comfort zone. I’ve been limiting myself to a smaller and smaller fishbowl with the passing months and this is huge and abrupt. Most of all, it makes me feel insecure and like I’m completely lost.
Even so, I’m still going. I have to.
I’ve still been fandoming on Tumblr and it is the batshit variety of crazy that I’ve heard about for years. Many parts are great and I’ve met some awesome people thanks to Tumblr. But it’s difficult to completely separate the good from the bad. It’s all colored together.
But then again, everything is like that for me these days. I’m always irritated, but that might be the lack of significant time away from work in months. I’m worn down overall, but I’m hoping that this vacation is help ease some of my tension. I am being realistic in that I understand that it won’t magically make everything better, because I realize that change has to come from within myself. But, getting away from my pressing issues might help my sanity and overall morale. I just feel so beat down, that I really do need the break to get out. Especially since I barely go out here in my own city.
I mostly go to work and come home. I went out just Saturday night (http://idciamme.tumblr.com/post/32659215784/why-am-i-not-surprised) with a friend and this past summer loads. But with this large financial thing and the one after it coming up, I haven’t been letting myself go out too much. Money tends to slip through the hands faster than you can make it when you go shopping or out to eat. Heh.
I did have the pleasure of properly celebrating my mother’s birthday last Sunday (September 23, 2012), but only because I put my foot down and demanded that she take her birthday off from being our family’s resident slave laborer. It’s fucking ridiculous that they lump all of their problems on my mother’s back. She’s a person with needs and problems, too. She has other obligations that fall by the wayside for months, because she’s stuck in our family’s bullshit.
And as tied to her as I am, I’m dragged down with their crap, too. It is literally never-ending until we all drop dead from the stress of dealing with this crap. No sooner does my mom get a handle on one problem, they up and throw some new shit on top of the pile. I’m just fed up about it. Sometimes, you just have to say that other people’s problems are not your own. You can’t save the freaking world and it is fruitless to try.
I suppose that I need to wander off to write. I wish that I were more disciplined about my work, but it is what it is. I have made more of an effort this year that I have for years, which has made me happy. Now if only I can get people to like my work. But that’s every artist’s problem. lol