Out of the Blue and Into My Work Place

[imood mood at time of entry: thoughtful]

A special friend from high school showed up at my job last night (Friday, July 27, 2007). This is not to say that all of my friends that show up aren’t special, but this person was one of my friends from Lee. You see, at Lee I was in the Magnet program for creative writing, journalism, humanities, and the like. She and I had the same classes, some of them together.

Well, we got on rather well, despite the fact that we didn’t hang out loads. But we both loved writing and theater and English. We both did extremely well on our various English essays and terrible in Math, until we had to bite down and get the passing grades that we needed to pass the courses.

I fell out of touch with just about all of my friends from Lee and I must admit that I missed them terribly. In fact, I admit that I made a HUGE mistake by leaving the school. I was just so angst ridden and caught up in my emotions and the whole drama connected with being there. So I made a very noisy exit and wasn’t seen there again until several years later when I caught up with two of my other friends from Lee, Albert and Andrea.

Needless to say, I had been wondering how Elizabeth and everyone from Lee have been faring. Did they all continue on with their writing? Did they continue with theater classes? Did they go to the colleges that they were planning to attend? Were they working? Were they still in town? Were they okay, plain and simple?

Seeing her again made emphasized my ever-present feeling of failure and longing. It caused this huge spike in the fact that I am basically a big fat nobody, which is a thousand miles from where I wanted to be at this point in my life. I wanted to have graduated college by this point. I wanted to have socked some money away and took in all of that traveling that I wanted to do. I thought I would have at least made my way to Europe by this point.

But I am broke, broke, broke with only a high school education who sits here fakin’ it in the library and lobby of the college I was supposed to attend. Money felt through, even though I tried so hard and I was told that my grades were outdated, even though they weren’t that old. But I have been thinking this summer of trying again, because I’d really like to get out of my slump.

I can’t live this life forever. Even though it has its occasional bright spots, its disappointing and not fulfilling. My every move is dictated by a bus schedule. I can’t go wherever I want to or do whatever I want to, because I lack the funds to get the things that I need. Now if only I could stop spending money on the things that I want and save up for the things that I need, I would be better off. I wouldn’t be millionaire rich set up, but it would give me the boost to move forward, not to mention the money I will need to fund all of this personal growth.

Most of all, I’d just like to, in a better sense, grow the fuck up already. Sure, I’m there when I am paying bills and working 13 hours straight in one day, but I’m still not who I want to be. I’ve gotten away from the writer that I used to be. I’ve gotten away from the creative self that used to be everything that I was. I was supposed to be writing and selling books, or well on the way to it.

Apparently, Elizabeth has plays written and I am so happy for her. I also saw that a former friend got a book published, which is great, too, because I know how much she wanted that. And that is how much I should want these things for myself. I might not be the greatest writer in the world, but dammit, that is what I have to work with, so I need to be working with it.

I have thought about forcing myself to write based on some random topic every day to ease myself back in the habit of writing, but somehow coming back in contact with creative people I was around in one of my most prolific periods in my life puts the fire back where it belongs. Let’s just hope that I can hold on to it. Before, in the past few years since I graduated, the flames of ambition, inspiration, and pure imagination have gone out much too quickly. I have been tired of that for quite some time now. Maybe I can make this change, because this current life is depressing.

Oy. I really need to head to work now if I want to eat, change, and brush my hair properly before my shift. Also, I will get around to posting my Harry Potter Book Seven thoughts here, too. I want to write up the last bit to go with my general ramblings that weren’t very structured due to lack of notes and abundance of surrounding noise. Ugh.

Much love.

Danielle