Instinct
(5:38 A.M. – 5:49 A.M. US Central Time/Monday/Home)
[imood mood at time of entry: distraught]
There is something intensely wrong. I want to cry out for the world to hear, but I don’t know what good that will do. I had all of those death dreams, and I feel this weighing sorrow. Mourning. It’s not still about the Pope. Part of it was a flare up due to last night’s Grey’s Anatamoy. I don’t think that I can ever watch that show again.
At least not watch it and not remember the way this poor man was picked apart, organ by organ. The sick way the heart moniter stopping beeping. His heart was still beating when it was removed from his chest and handed over to the transplant people. *cries* I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I want to be an organ donor anymore. I do, but I don’t want anyone hurrying my death along so that I can be “harvested,” as the cast so compassionately refered to this poor soul.
This sadness is completely overwhelming, and I do not know what to make of it. When I feel this bad, and have those death dreams, I usually will hear about someone dying not long after. The thought of desiring the status of “banshee” came to mind earlier as I watched the patient’s heart be removed after everything else was taken away.
I almost feel as though I should not say anything about this feeling. But the fact that it is ever present and pushing at my lips to form words or a cry is just confusing. Maybe I am being overly dramatic. Maybe someone is going to be leaving soon. I do know that I have been keenly aware of confirming Should-I-Die plans as of late.
I don’t feel so good.
Danielle
Well, first off.. The criteria that have to be met to harvest organs are incredibly strict. A machine was keeping that heart going. Also, many physicians are taught to be that dispassionate because they cannot think of the body as a human being anymore, otherwise how could they do their job in the first place? It IS harvesting. Taking something from something else that has no need of it anymore to give to somebody who does. If you think to hard about it you’re going to make yourself crazy over it.
I saw that show too, and I think the point it was making was that we should not become too callous about the death of strangers, and that organ donation, although a mangificent gift from the dying to the living, is a very difficult thing for the survivors to endure. We should never take it lightly.
If you’re dreaming about dying, maybe you should talk to someone about it; a friend or a counselor. Death-dreams can be very scary, but often they’re just an expression of our fear of the unknown factors in our lives.
–Solo