Well, Well, Well

So now it is official, Cris and I are no longer a couple. Of any sort, though he did say that he could do the friends with benfits thing. I’m thinking no.

Well, I am out of school early because I am on my way to go see Dr. Carol. Yes, the same Dr. Carol that I went to go see before but never made it to. I am going to get a wonderfully uncomfortable check up and birth control. I simply cannot deal with the cramps anymore.

Last night Cris and I talked and got everything out in the open. He did sort of push for break up sex. Sure, I felt the energy that was passing between us, but I did not want to go that far. When he was talking about how he would get mad all over again about the entry he read I wanted to kiss those soft lips of his. They’re so full and plush and he a wonderful kisser. He just absorbs my lips into his own and I give back every bit of passion that he throws at me.

We did end up kissing and groping though. *lol* The first kiss came in the middle of a sentence. I was telling Cris how he could go about getting break up sex from some other girl and he kissed me. Right on the mouth with no apologizes. I was stunned but I was game. Very. When we pulled away I couldn’t even focus. I couldn’t remember what I was saying. I guess the fighting and built up passion from being hurt (both of us) and being angry over the fact that things were held back from the other just came out in that way.

We made out on the table and everything. He even wanted me to give Not So Little Cris some attenion too. I sort of wanted to in a way, but I knew that I couldn’t. That wasn’t mine anymore. Anyway, he gave these long tight hugs. On the last one he held me close and asked me if we were doing the right thing since we so obviously still desired one another. I was quiet for a long time, but eventually said yes. We need a break from one another. Plain and simple. It didn’t even feel like goodbye at all, just see you later.

*sighs*

Guh.

I hope that things work out for the best. I am glad that he found out everything because there were so many times that I wanted him to come here and read everything I wrote about him. That’s why I talked about my online journal in front of him. I knew that it would plant a seed of interest. I knew exactly what I was doing when I told him the site address and when I last updated my journal. It just sucks that now that we have everything out in the open we are apart. It’s fine though because I know that he and I need it.

Oh, by the way, if you are wondering about evil Danielle, I decided last night that I didn’t want to backslide. I’ve grown so far as a person away from evil Danielle and I don’t want to lose the lessons of love that I have learned. I will simply be better prepared for next time.

It truly does suck because I wanted Cris to be my lobster. Friends fans out there will know exactly what that means. But maybe he wasn’t meant for me.

*sigh*

Oh! He also told me that he no long reads my journal since he read that entry Monday (November 10, 2003) when I asked him if he did. I can’t say that I blame him.

I also finally had the talk with myself that I have needed to have looong time ago. When I got home from stopping by Prestina’s on the way home from the library yesterday, I started crying and throwing stuff. I was so beyond mad. I still wanted him and he didn’t love me. (We clearified our love for one another last night. We love each other, but we haven’t fallen in love yet.) But as soon as I got everything out of my heart and head I felt so much better. I felt whole. Complete. Content and ready to face the break up like a woman. I didn’t even cry when we were talking. I was fine. I didn’t curse or scream. We even joked around.

So, if it’s meant to be it will happen. If not, I am fine with that. With a little time and other activities to occupy my time, I will get over Cris.

*sighs*

Danielle