*sigh* Surprise, Surprise!

*deep sigh* Once again Danielle is feeling conflicted.

…took 14 minute break…

Ok, I am back now. So Cris left about 40 minutes ago to go watch The Practice, which is his favorite show. I had asked him to come over and hang out even though I wasn’t sure how that was going to happen since there are so many people over here at Prestina’s. I have been babysitting all weekend long and I am worn out and hurting all over. I don’t know how I am going to make it as a mother.

I got sort of excited seeing Cris because I hadn’t seen him since our date on Thursday. God. . . *lol* For once that would be a good God. *lol* I really enjoyed hanging out with Cris. But I must say that I am still bothered by the questions he was asking me on Thursday. It was like he had been inside my head and knew every doubt I had ever had about us and myself. I asked him if he had been talking to Prestina and he said ‘no’. He couldn’t have gotten it from me or my journal because I hadn’t been that frank with him and he said that he was no longer interested in reading my journal because it was private. I was going to tell him my screenname after I made some entries private. There are just some things that he does not need to know about me.

He brought his friend over with him. He was telling Prestina about her relationship with Damien. (Yea, I know Prestina, “That’s not how you spell his name!”, but you know what? So what! Tough!) He was also teasing Cris and I about our lack of affection. All this time I thought it was just Cris who lacked the whole affections thing, but it’s me too. I just don’t know how to go about it. I don’t know how he will react. I mean, I think that he will respond positively. I haven’t had to be the aggresive one. I usually will pick up on my end once I see that the guy does it.

Also, this was the same friend that said he knew me back at Kennedy. God. . . (bad God) Kennedy is one place that tore me up and to have someone know you from then come back out of nowhere brings up things that I have spent my life trying to forget. The torture, the humiliation, the hopelessness, the hurt, everything. I know that Kennedy is a big part of what set me up for the way that I am now. How I can’t trust anyone or believe them at their word. How I sometimes can’t believe that people just want to be around me for me since I have always been hated for being different. Sure, I can be funny and cool about being different, but sometimes it hurts. Sometimes I can’t simply smile when I want to cry. I mean, there are time when I don’t want to fit in with the people that I am surrounded by, but sometimes I just want to be one of the girls/group. I don’t know why I am the way I am, but I don’t regret it for anything. I’d rather be alone and be myself any day than go back to being an absolute worthless people pleaser who was dying inside. Never again.

Surprise of surprises I went to church today. I know that I was meant to go today because everything I went there to pray about was the basis of the sermon. Go figure. I was just feeling so fustrated and stuck and insecure and freaking crazy because of the PMS. When I was silently praying to myself I wanted to break down crying right there in front of everyone because it hurt so much to think of what a failure I’ve become. Everyone, myself included, had such high hopes for me, but I messed around and I have to wait to get going again. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless. How can someone who is supposed to be so “smart” be in this situation? Hopefully things will work out.

The people there kept asking me about “my children”. *lol* They thought that Brice and India were my children. I am much to young to have children. If I ever found out that I was pregnant I would be devastated first and then go from there. I have no room for a baby at my house nor I the money. That’s another reason why I try and stay away from the whole sexual stuff in general.

So tomorrow I will go back to fighting with the register at Booker T. to get my entire transcrpit. I am tired of this. I have waited long enough and been nice to too many people. I need to get to where I am in a better position.

Oh! something else that is nice to know is that a driving school is right next to my potenial high school. I want to get that over with.

Cris told me to call him when I got home, but I’m scared to. I always feel as though he knows something or wants to tell me something and won’t. I get nervous that he is going to say something heartbreaking. You know? It’s not that I am afraid of him or anything like that, but I am afraid of what he might say. I can feel the unsaid conversations and not knowing exactly what to expect is what gets me. I value honesty above a lot of other things in life, but somehow I am almost afraid to hear the truth from Cris sometimes. I know that he can be unpredictable or maybe that’s me. I just feel all jumbled up inside and don’t know what to think about the whole thing. The only thing that I do know for sure is that I do like him. But I have never truly commited myself to a relationship with every intention of simply being with the person and this new change scares me. This new beginning/possibility excites me at the same time. Is this the way things are supposed to go? *deep sigh*

I must say that I was completely freaked out when I thought Cris would come here and read everything that I have said here. All the doubt and fustration and insanity that I can carry. I mean, I’m a little off, *cough cough* understatment! *cough* but I wouldn’t want him to just read some the entries that I have written while I was angry or confused or hurt and only get the one side of the story. I couldn’t even deny anything written here if he asked me something because that is how I felt at the time. I can’t ignore my feelings. I can’t change that part of who I am. I am willing to make compromises like with the treating thing or anything else that was reeeeally important to Cris.

Ok, I think that I am going to be leaving soon. I want to type up this list of things I want in a man. *lol* Yea, there’s a too long story to go with it. Actually, I think there isn’t. Hmmm. I’ll do it tomorrow.

Ciao!

Danielle