This is what I’m living for???

[imood mood at time of entry: defeated]

So, the laptop is officially out of commission and I’m back to public computers for Internet access. It had been slowly, but surely, collecting a new issue every time that I used it. The integrated microphone stopped working, it was acting funny, it was a little slow, and then yesterday, it started turning on its own programs — Internet Explorer. I really don’t know what was wrong with it, except that I don’t think that I had a virus.

I didn’t download things from websites or people I didn’t know. Even though my Norton had expired and refused to let me renew it, it was still protecting my computer to some degree.

I tried to get people to help me to no avail, so I continued working on it today. I completely wiped it clean, not knowing that I would lose damn near everything that came with the computer. I figured that it would ALL be on the reinstallation disks, but it wasn’t. Now, I have NO Norton, instead of partial Norton protection. Windows now comes with built-in firewalls that work pretty well, but Norton is, without a doubt, The Shit.

This is the same software that stopped a Backdoor Trojan from burrowing into my computer. It also stopped attacks on my computer from other computers while I’ve been connected to the free WiFi I use to access the Internet.

I originally wanted a computer to write on and now that’s all I’ve got, because for some reason the drivers aren’t installing properly or being recognized. On the upside of this, my microphone is working again. The webcam that goes with it can’t recognize its own driver, but I can record myself cursing about it.

It just seems like it is just one thing after another — I found out that all Internet comes filtered now!, things constantly get broken, I run out of money at the worse time, the fridge goes out. It seems to me that I am full of complaints, even though I try to see the good side of everything. But it’s increasingly difficult to see the bright side when everything goes wrong at every turn. I’m trying to get ahead, but I always end up being knocked back and left feeling defeated.

It’s almost as though Life just wants me give up already. And to be perfectly honest, I feel like waving that white flag sometimes. But there’s just this stubborn part of me that keeps going in to a crappy job I hate and fighting against the crushing apathetic depression that is attempting to devour me.

I still haven’t found anyone to prescribe anything for me, but I really think that I should. Maybe that might help. Who knows? Because I’m trying everything else — think happy thoughts, make an effort, strategize! — and I’m getting nowhere. Sure, I can blame my crappy job and my stagnant life, but what it comes back to is me.

Me and my shit that I can never seem to get straight.

I always find myself sitting here watching everyone else get what they want, when I can’t figure out how to do the same. It seems that I never have enough money for the things that I want to do, the things I convince myself will make me feel better, will fix everything that is wrong with me.

Thinking about and reading through the last “Princess Diaries” installation not so long ago definitely gave me the perfect comparison to how I feel at any given time. This rut, this whateveryoucall it, is very much like being down at the bottom of a cistern. It’s like I’m stuck down here and I neither have any clue how I got down here nor how to get myself out. Whenever I think that I’ve found a tree root to grab onto and pull myself up, it turns out to be a mistake and I fall further down.

I could ask myself every day how I got here and I still wouldn’t be able to answer.

I know that I am capable, but all of that supposed potential is going to waste. The helplessness I feel knowing this only makes the problem worse. I honestly don’t know what more I can do until the end of the world comes besides wasting my life with work and coming here to the library. I remember having fun and friends, but the friends have all run off and settled down and I never seem to have any time for fun. At least, nothing that I used to do. Of course, the continued lack of energy doesn’t help matters, either.

And then there is this on-going need for validation. Am I cool? No. Am I hot? It depends. Am I doing a good job??? Nope. Yes. What was the question again?

And it’s all just jumbled in there.

I honestly don’t know how much more of this I can take. It’s only a matter of time until I have another meltdown like I had at work on June 13th. Like I’ve always said, I try to believe that Friday the 13th is a good luck day, despite what everyone else says, but that was a huge panic attackmeltdownwhatever.

Maybe I should get back to roaming around the city, around the parks, around the museums. I always liked that. It was usually pretty cheap and maybe it’ll help me save more money if I eat less, which I don’t do loads anyway. But maybe if I go down to one meal a day, that will help save money in the Eating Out Every Fricking Day arena.

I might need to start drinking.

But again, money.

Danielle