How Dare Us? – A Letter To Cris

Hey Cris,**

You know how you always say that I should not be so self sufficient in matters of the heart and damn near everything else? Well there’s a reason I am the way I am. I’ve decided to share it with you. The reason that I do not wish to be completely wide flung open is simply because I do not want to be hurt. Yea, yea, I know, “I’ve heard that before from everyone. Who does want to be hurt besides those masochists? Hrmm?” Well I will have you know that I was once wide flung open to the world and it tore me apart and ravaged my soul. It scarred my body and held me from any success in the relationship arena.

I was once wide flung open to you too, but you hurt me. You cut me deep and you didn’t even have the decency to cut me loose. You just drug me along on a thin string of hope and fantasy. How dare you? How DARE you?!? I know that you weren’t “feelin'” me, but why didn’t you have the balls you say you doand tell me instead of everyone in my world that you know? Huh? Answer me ! and don’t give me that “but I liked you” bullcrap either!

I could have been good to you. I could have done everything for you. Everything to you. Everything with you. But you played me for a fool and still you degrade me in this mockery. What am I to think when you openly tell everyone that you don’t like me, but get back with me. How dare you say that you were joking when you asked me back out the day after I ended things> How dare I play the bitch and throw it in your face? How dare us?

But back to the topic at hand. I do want to fall madly, dangerously in love one day with a man or to be PC, a woman, who completes me. Sometimes I start to thik there is no one for me. But then I think if this is so, how come I am with you? Are you for me or are we indulging in conveniencey? Oh God how would I know? I wish I do so I could stop asking so many questions that have too many answers.

But even when I get my answers this mind of mine springs to work cranking out some more never letting me cool my thrist. I know this may sound bad to you, but to me it is both wonderful and tragic. Wonderful because through my cat’s killer I can touch the top of skyscrapers with my tongue. And tragic because I know even that will never be enough. Oh woeful drama is me. Surprised? I knew you weren’t. Or perhaps you are. I may never know.

So here I am with a knotted stomach shivering in the cold on a hard porch in a harder chair stuck with all the questions of the universe and not a damn answer to match to them. I only have my imaginings of what would be whispered promises and passionate declarations. Think me insane yet? Good, you should because all great writers are all off kilter and if I’m nutso now I must be entering brilliance! Absolutley! Without any doubt, brilliance. That’s me alright. *lol*

Danielle