Too Bright

Well, I’m here early in the morning to write in my journal and check for the reply that I had been waiting on. That, and check my email.

As soon as I stepped out of my cold house, my eyes had to deal with the oh-so-sunny sky. Then, I get here to the library and everything is too bright here as well.

The bus on the way here was so packed, but everyone seemed to just fit. A woman got on with all these stuffed dolls. I had to kind of go ‘eh’ on that.

I saw “Save The Last Dance” on television last night. I always meant to see it, but of course, I was feeling conflicted about it. I thought, “Why should I go see some movie where yet another white woman is stealing another one of our Black men?” I was sure that is what the movie was about. I was right, too. It also dealt with the female lead’s passion for dance and how different dances fit in with different cultures.

It sort of dealt with what Black women feel when they see that their own have gone outside of their race to find love. I can’t say that I have never felt that sting of anger when I have spotted a mixed couple, but I can say that I have been one of those mixed couples. I suppose that I am just strange that way. Well, not strange to me. It seems that there are no good, decent Black men to date, and then I get angry when I see that someone of another race was able to find one when all of these Black women are stuck with the do nothing “baby daddies,” “playas,” and “pimps.” Anyone of color would understand what I am saying. *sighs* Anyway, for the record, yes, Chris is Black. *laughs* I did manage to find a good one. Or, at least I think he is. You never know about people. I mean that regardless of color or religion. People will turn on you.

Things with Chris are OK. I suppose. He called me last night during STLD. It’s funny, because I kept thinking about how much the male lead looks so much like Chris and how cute he is and how much I wished he (Chris) would call me. We talked for a little while. I must say that we did more talking than ever. I started talking about hip hop music and how the “artists” should be held responsible for the music they put out. We discussed the music we liked and why I didn’t do the relationship thing, but didn’t really get to go any further because his line clicked and he had to go. He told me that he would call me right back, but didn’t. I am not too offended as he remembered that he needed to study. I don’t know what it is about our conversations, but he always remembers that he neeeds to study. *raises a brow*

So, I called Prestina, his cousin by the way, and we kind of talked. She had to go, but called later on. We talked about our relationships and her sex life with her boyfriend. She is feeling very tempted to cheat with this guy she met on a chat line and only wants sex from her. Gee, that really isn’t a surprise there. You know, him being a guy and all. *lol*

I also asked Chris what he wanted from me when he was telling me that everyone expects something from someone or wants something from you. He replied that he just wanted to be my boyfriend. I asked him what that meant and he said that he wanted to do what boyfriends and girlfriends do. I asked him what was that, because that was not so set and defined for me. That, and I knew it more than likely meant sex. He told me that it meant whatever I wanted it to. That boy just gave me the run around, but I do sort of see what he means. We should do what we feel like doing together. But if he means sex, he should know that I do not. I just don’t want to have a sex life right now. Now, if he had gotten together with me earlier this year, we would have had sex every day. But you know, time gave me enough room to change how I felt. Well, that and something else.

I can see that I have absolutely babbled on and on, but that is what I do best. I have too many words for my mouth and not enough ears to put them in nor enough paper to write them nor enough webspace to save them on.

I put on make up this morning. Liner, mascara, and lip gloss. I look pretty good, very cute. This is a rare morning that I feel pretty. Most of the time I think that everyone who tells me that I am beautiful or pretty or cute are dirty rotten liars that should have their tongues cut out so they will lie to me no more. It’s sad thing when I feel as though every compliment is a lie and every harshity is truth. But that changes back and forth for me. *hunches* Hmmm. I guess that I will read email now.

Danielle