(5:19 P.M. – 5:43 P.M./6:29 P.M.-7:24 P.M. US Central Time/Tuesday/ Libraries!)
imood mood at time of entry: depressed
Personal Mood at time of entry: depressed and thrilled
So far, I have a list.
That’s about it.
And it’s not even all that impressive.
But, I figure it’s better than doing a whole lot of nothing for the week of vacation I requested this week.
It includes such gems as:
— and —
I’m on fire all right. I don’t know how anyone could ever stop me. You know, besides me being ridiculously lame in the last years of my life. I don’t care what anyone says, I know that something’s coming soon and I just don’t see the point of trying anymore. There aren’t even enough years left to have another go at college, because I’ll die before I finish it. It’s just so depressing.
The dreams about the end of the world are growing slightly more frequent and it’s bugging the hell out of me. There are so many things I want to do, but don’t know how to accomplish them. I don’t have very many true friends to hang out with anymore and my being misanthropic really doesn’t help matters.
I’m just so angry all of the time, even when I should just ‘be cool’ about some stuff. It’s not so that I can’t enjoy anything in life, but I’m definitely missing out on a lot. Then, there is the pent up stuff that I haven’t gotten around to writing about here. I either can’t get online due to time constraints or my continued lack of a computer. I really need to get myself another one of those soon. I’m thinking within a year or so. It’s annoying having to leave my house and hope that I can snag some online time at the overcrowded libraries.
And then there is the writing.
The lack thereof and the self-destructing desire to simultaneously fill this void with endless lines of fantasy and self-reflection and deprive myself of the one thing I need to allow my emotional self a chance at survival. I am crumbling in on myself and I am doing nothing to help myself. Most days, I just feel so helpless and I end up swallowed by the destruction I see in my dreams and visions, if that is what I dare to call them. I can’t seem to find a way to survive what I’ve known all my life is coming and that is setting me up for some serious setbacks.
It’s just knowing that people either don’t know what is coming for us as a planet or don’t care for the little, unimportant people like me that is just the thing that isn’t helping my panic attacks. I am trying to stay grounded where death is concerned, but sometimes the fright of everything being gone attacks when I least expect it. I try to choke down the fear, but I don’t want to go into the void alone.
I want the one thing I thought I had found in Chris. I still can’t figure out if it is true or not, because he has these qualities that balance me out so perfectly. But on the other hand, he irritates the crap out of me most of the time. Mostly, it’s his own inability to do anything at all with his life. He doesn’t work nearly as much as he should and he continues to live his life like a child. I can’t change him, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel the biting sorrow knowing this truth.
Then, there is Justin. Another person who holds a piece of what I need. Granted, it is not as big as Chris’ portion or even My Never, but it is still there calling to me when I should ignore it the most. My Top Three all turned out to be nothing more than wisps of smoke and ash pretending to be something they are not. I could ask how I could want so desperately for something so flawed to be perfect, but the history is there in the ruins of my past relationship and dalliances. It is the eternal torment of being unable to fully surrender my hope and faith that things can be made better, when I know that my situation, as it stands now, is utterly hopeless.
There really aren’t any two ways about it, because it just is. Right now, I am wondering what I can do to force myself to enjoy the time I know I have left. All of my life, I have considered what I would do when I knew that things were coming down to it. I made a mental list that shifted with my fascinations and disappointing limits. If only for a Limit Break or two. It would do wonders for my mood if I could push further than my weak, human self.
Now I’m here at the library on the eve of a second round of negotiations with my landlord. I still haven’t moved into the apartment, since they haven’t been working on it. I demanded my money back a week ago (Tuesday, December 1, 2009) and he told me that he didn’t have it, but that he might be able to scrape together half of the amount I gave him by tomorrow (Wednesday, December 9, 2009). I told him that I paid him in full and as I wasn’t the one to breach our contract, I had full rights to ask for my money back. He kinda went on about how he needed to get his guy to work and that maybe he could charge things on his credit card for me. I told him that I couldn’t waste the rest of my life waiting on a guy named âMo.â He responded by trying to joke that I could call him âMark.â I told him to be serious, because I need my money now to fix my car. Turns out that my moon roof has some leaking issues and the entire ceiling needs to be replaced. My SERVICE light now comes on when I start my car, but will go off after a bit. Then, there are my shocks, which were hanging on, but I suspect that the cruddy streets and their designer potholes have K.O.ed my right, front shock completely.
I don’t know how I am going to come up with the money to completely fix my car. I would love to have another one, but something about my car is just right for me. It is, in plainest sense, what I prayed for. Sure, I would love a brand new Volvo, preferably one of those sick S40s, the newer ones. Maybe the T5 or T5 AWD. The T5s are a little better, but only because it can go a little faster.
There is also [a href=”http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BMW_3_Series_(E90)”>BMW lust out the wazoo. I figure if I can get a Volvo, I can get a BMW. Volvo’s interiors are slightly larger than a BMW, but a BMW can go a faster, from what I’ve seen. True, I know that I could never afford one of these without winning the lottery, but I can’t help but sigh as they pass me by. My Grand Lux Turbo engine be damned!
This entry is getting on in length and I really should be doing other things, but I still haven’t gotten around to my brother, which is about two years behind and just everything!!
There is also monumental Percy Jackson and the Olympians love in my heart right now, along with Dethklok. But PJO is this week, since I just finished the series this morning. *sigh* I love new fandoms, but PJO is definitely easier to write for if I decide to write something. I just canât properly butcher the English language the way the characters do on Metalocalypse. 🙁
How did I get this lazy???