Decisions To Make

[imood mood at time of entry: sore]

I’m out of school so early because the hours were changed. The school had to cut the fourth period classes since the school is so small. They also fired my English teacher, Mrs. Rose. It’s really sad. If they had to give anyone the axe, it should have been Mr. Damon. He’s OK, but I don’t dig him as my new History teacher. He gives too much work. Things were better with Mr. Lee. He is now my English teacher. Guh.

My throat is hurting because I stood outside on my porch with Brandon (Lusk) on last Sunday (January 4, 2004). I only wore my long skirt and a tee shirt. I didn’t put on shoes or warm clothes because I thought he’d stop by real quick and would leave, but he wouldn’t.

We also got in my Mom’s car and steamed the windows up. Then I got back out into the cold.

He (Brandon) was the reason for the OHMYGOD!!! on Friday (January 2, 2004) I believe, but he sure as heck isn’t now. He’s so yucky and obsessive. We’ve know each other for roughly five years and in that time we’ve sort of fooled around, but nothing serious. It turns out that he’s also fooled around with Prestina when she was mad at her ex boyfriend Chris.

*sigh*

So he asked me to be his girlfriend every day since last Friday and I’m not that interested to be honest. He’s OK, but he’s not the one for me. I’m sort of attracted to him because he’s tall, but other than that, he’s clinginess makes him ultra yucky. I can’t stand a clingy guy.

I was especially fluffed when I saw him because I knew that he could (and would if I had anything to do with it) be my New Year’s resolution. I was telling a friend of mine about it, I think it was Saturday (January 3, 2004), and he got all happy and hopeful. He was like Oooo!!! and wanted to know if he could be the one that I picked. I wasn’t so sure about this. I liked them both and both of them had asked me to be their girlfriend. I didn’t like having to pick between.

I knew that if I got with Brandon, it could be a long term relationship. Heck, he wants to get married and have children. He would move to Oklahoma with me if I decided to go to the University of Tulsa like I want to. He plays football, so he would go to the big football school in OK after he put in a year at the University of Houston. He’s got a football scholarship there.

We’re both 18 and are about the same in life sexually and otherwise, but he’s just not The One. I sort of feel an attraction, but nothing that I would be willing to hold onto down the line.

So anyway back to the two possible lovers, I made up my mind to have them both. I had already told the second friend a pretty solid “Yes” after we talked about it on the phone Saturday (June 3, 2004). We talked some more on Sunday (June 5, 2004) and were sort of hanging all over each other. There was something missing from our kissing though. I asked him if he’s felt it too, and he agreed. We don’t know what it is though. Perhaps there is no flame between us. Or since the sexual tension has been relieved, we aren’t so explosive anymore. *hunches* I also asked him if he would be willing to hop in a big bed with me and Brandon. He said OK. He did ask me if he did that, would I do it again only with another girl instead of Brandon. I said yea. I asked him who the girl was, and he told me to pick her. He didn’t have anyone in mind either. If he did, he sure didn’t tell me about her.

I also talked to Brandon about the idea of all of us together and he OKed it too.

Now that I’ve gotten what I’ve wanted, I don’t want it. My attraction to both guys, especially Brandon has waned and I just don’t know if I want to go through with it. The date that the friend and I are supposed to have a go is the 17th of January, but I don’t know if I fully want that to happen. I mean I do, but I sort of scared. It has been a good long while since I’ve gotten naked with anyone. What if I’m not any good??? Oh God.

Well, my stomach hurts since I haven’t eaten much today. I think that I will go home in a few.

~Danielle