Do I Even Have To Say?

[imood mood at time of entry: confused]

Well, today has been comfortable except for a few things. I was dreaming this dream earlier and it turns out that it is the second part of a dream series. I was getting to the part I knew was going to be crucial and my got damn fucking mother wouldn’t stop letting the phone ring. That is so fucking annoying! She just lets it ring and ring and RING!!! I’ve had to turn off the phone ringer when I know that I want to sleep because people keep calling and won’t stop allowing the rings to go on. I didn’t think to do it last night though. Damn! And it wasn’t even an emergency either!

She broke me out of that dream to tell me about a fucking dentist and eye exam appointment! That could have waiting until she got home! I know that it may not seem like much to others, but my dreams are extremely important to me and she does this all the fucking time! They warn of what’s to come. Now whether I listen or not is up to me, but I do like having the imformation.

What pisses me off the most is that my mom is the one that interupted the first part of the dream. I can’t ever get anywhere! She always wrecks the best ones! Dammit! So I’m pissed about that and nothing else really. Nothing has really upset me today.

I did have some face time with one Cristin (Cris) Devon Moses last night.

It came about when I called him up to ask him how I should give him his money. He told me to give to him.

Stopped at 3:12 P.M.

Ok, well I stopped writing because I got annoyed with all the noise around me.

Back to last night, so we were talking on the phone. I called to ask whether it would be ok if I left the payment for this week in his mailbox in an envelope. He said that he wanted me to give it to him in his hand. I said OK. I asked him what was wrong because his voice sounded all wierd. He eventually told me that he was upset about some girl. He wanted to see her because she came back on leave yesterday (Thursday, December 18, 2003). She’s in the Navy and had been gone for 18 months. He has this crush on her and couldn’t get any alone time with her like he wanted to.

Well, he bought a cigar to smoke since he was upset. He only does it when he is really upset about something. He discovered that he was out of matches in his car. I told him that I had a lighter and that he could use it. He drove around the corner from the store and pulled up in front of my house. I came out in only a thin black shirt and that skirt that I had been wearing earlier. The ankle length one that I love to hike up my thighs. *laughs*

I handed it to him through the window and he was like come on. I told him that I wasn’t even wearing any shoes. I got in after some prodding. We drove back around to the store and talked about what was bothering him. Then we started pouring our souls out. I told him how when he would talk about how good the sex was with his ex that I felt as though I would never match up to that. He told me the truth of how he got good. Practice. Plain and simple.

Stopped at 4:52 P.M.

As you can see, I have been trying to get this entry done for a long time now. The last stop was because the house is full of boys that I am watching. OoO!!! Grrr!!!

Anyway, back to what I was talking about.

So we ended up talking and I realized something. I had misread the whole break up period. All the stuff I took for arrogance wasn’t. He was trying to psych himself out and he didn’t want me to know how he really felt about me. He would tell Prestina crazy stuff because he knew that it would get back to me and I gave off the I’m-fine-without vibe. But the whole sex thing wasn’t just sex. I guess I should have known since he would get quiet when I would ask him why he didn’t just sleep with the freak that keeps coming on to him. He got exaperated one night and told me that he wasn’t like that. Hmmm.

I always say that I don’t want people to bullshit me, but I have been bullshitting myself. I do still like Cris. I have slipped up plenty of times and called him my boyfriend either thinking about him or to other people. Prestina kept getting huffy and yelling at me that Cris and I still like one another. I guess that I didn’t want to admit the truth to her or myself. I’ve been missing him something serious for the past couple of weeks, but I can’t go back to the way we were before and not heart-to-heart talking to him.

Oh, if you haven’t figured it out by now, he asked me back out again last night. I was going to hook him up with someone and he didn’t want to hear any of it when I brought it up. Then he said “Yea, hook me up with a girl.” I started telling him about her. Then he pointed to me while I was talking. He got all upset and said that he wanted me. He told me that he told me how he felt last Sunday (December 14, 2003) when he asked me to be his girlfriend again. He said that was how he was still feeling. He also told me that he thought about me when I asked him what he did today. Hmmm.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love Cris and I always will, but I told him that I’ve grown and that I refuse to take a step back in life. Now if we mutally take a step forward together then maybe we can get back together.

He also said that he was wrong. Well, he said that he fucked up the first time around and that he’s the cause of things going wrong with his girlfriends. He said that he has this wall built up and that it’s hard to let go. He said that they just leave him when he gets close to them. He said that he’s afraid to get too close to anyone and that he felt he was getting too close to me. He was afraid that I was going to leave him. I’ve had to deal with that in the past, but now I crave that closeness. I want to be with someone and give them my heart. I’m not afraid anymore. I’ve changed and I don’t intend to go back to the way I was anymore.

So, I know what I need to do. I know that I need to seriously consider getting back with Cris because whether I like it or not, divine intervention won’t leave me alone. Every guy that I have liked since Cris and I broke up have gone to the wayside. It never turned into anything even though we clicked.

This is crazy and I’m scared. I just don’t know.

More later since this entry is going on too long. I’ll just take my drama offline. *lol*

Lots of Love (and thanks for waiting so long for the entry Deimos),

Danielle