Dully Dull Dull

Today was not too bad. It was sort of boring though. Bah. I guess tomorrow will hold more excitement for me. Heaven (and my readers) know that I looove some good excitement.

I am listening to “Papercut” by Linkin Park on The Buzz and I remember how much I loved this song the very first time I heard it. It totally blew my mind. I still love it only I don’t get to hear it that often anymore.

I want to highlight the thing Cici said about hoping that I find my true love that makes me not think about anyone else. Well, I can honestly say that for the three or four months that Cris and I were talking I didn’t want anyone else. No one else was good enough. No one else could give me what he gave me. I think the whole entry about me not liking him anymore stemmed from that. I didn’t know what to think. Or what to do. I hadn’t liked anyone else for about three months and then along comes this guy and I like him too. I didn’t quite know how to deal with that. It was more a mix of confusion, loss of brain function, and loneliness (sp?).

I did want to cry today. I went to the bus stop to get here and I saw this man pushing a stroller. Now, I never tell this to anyone, but the sight of a man taking care of his own baby turns me to mushy cream. I get all sigh-y and my vision blurs from the tears that try and squirt out. I feel sort of sad and fustrated and desparate because I know that I want that. I see them with their baby(ies) and I know that I want one too one day. I know that I would lick the streets of Houston to find myself a good man to procreate with. Someone that I can enjoy love everlasting with. But then I think about my sorry self and how I can’t even formulate a long term relationship; so, how in the holy hell am I going to be able to function well enough for marriage?!

I take marriage verrrry serious. When and If — emphasis on the If I can find some way to pull it together to get to the marriage stage and I can by some miracle find a guy suitable for marriage — I want it to be for life. How will I go about loving just this one man for the rest of my life? *sigh*

Anyway, I saw Jerimiah today. It wasn’t anything exciting in the least. Just “Hi.” *hunches* I think he’s still cute, but I know that I don’t want to waste my energy pining after him when he isn’t exactly available. I wonder if girls pined after Cris while we were together. I don’t see why not.

Cici asked me yesterday (Wednesday, November 19, 2003) if I had a picture of Cris. I told her ‘no’. We (me and Cris) had never taken pictures together and the ones that he sent me via email were deleted last week. I asked Cris to email me another picture when we were talking on the phone last night and he asked what happened to the ones that he sent me. I told him that I deleted them and the emails that he sent me too. He asked me if it was that bad. I told him ‘no’ to be kind. Truthfully, yes, it was that bad. I had to come to terms with the fact that we were never getting back together. I had to let everything about him go. I mean, we are friends now, but we are not together in a way that would warrant my keeping his pictures. I did read over his email that he sent me on Halloween a few days ago and I started to tear up. I missed him in that moment. Truly missed him and regretted (sp?) that I lost him.

Hmmm

Gosh, they’ve already put the lights on the trees in front of City Hall already. (I’m looking out the big front windows of the library.)

Oh! I was watching the news this morning and I saw this story about this stupid ass woman who drove around a police barricade, that juuust might have been put there for a good reason, to drive into this deep water. She started squealing and hollering like a pig. Pfft. I am mentioning this because 1) I wanted to point out this woman’s ridiculous stupidity and 2) Because it happened in West Virgina where Lytewyng lives. He is always going about how the people are stupid trailer trash there and now that I have seen it for my own eyes, I will never doubt his claims again. Not to say that I doubted them, more like I thought they were exagerated.

Anyway, I can’t think of anything more to say except Clix me!!! and Hello!!!!!! to everyone on my Notify List. *waves* Oh! and sign up for the List if you like my entries. That is all.

Danielle