Oh God. . .

Oh God, I’ve fucked up again. I wonder when will I ever stop doing this. Turns out that Cris found and has been reading my journal for roughly four weeks now. I know that because I just got off the phone with him. I walked down to the little library about a mile or so from my house. I was going to come here first to write about what an idiot I’d been on Saturday writing all those mean things. How I must have completely lost the function of my brain for that day. But for some unknown reason I decided to check my email first. Thank goodness I did because if I hadn’t I would have made an even bigger fool of myself than I already had.

Poetic justice being what it is I got dumped. In my own fucking journal. How wonderful is that? I couldn’t believe the comment I received. I couldn’t even read it because I started shaking and trying to be strong in public. You know, because I just can’t cry in public in front of people. I had to keep my cool demeanor. But all of that went to the wayside when I finally found a payphone in Kogers across the street to call Cris. I even sat down on the floor crying my eyes out. I was so ready to beg his forgiveness and everything. But I think it is too late now. I don’t think it even matters how many times I told him that I was sorry or how many times I am willing to continue saying it. I don’t think it would even matter if I humbled myself and begged. I fucked up. Royally.

He asked me how I felt about us since I seemed to write a lot of bad things about him here. He was so upset that I could/would tell complete strangers every feeling I had about him in my heart, but not him. He kept asking me why hadn’t I told him any of the things I included here. He kept asking me why I felt I couldn’t come out and say what was on my mind.

I feel so sad and disappointed in myself inside right now. I still haven’t completely stopped shaking.

He did tell me to call him when I got home and that he could write a retraction, but I don’t know if he still wants me. I did what I always do, mess everything up. I should be shot. In the head preferably (sp?).

He did say that it was a good read though which just made me laugh. I couldn’t help it. Through all the drama he still has a sense of humor. I once drafted a list of things I wanted in a man. I also once thought that Cris would never match up, but a few days after I drafted said list I discovered that I was wrong. He had everything I wanted, but I was still scared. Why? I couldn’t fully put into words, but I do know that I was silly to think that I could ever change. Maybe I should be alone and discarded. At least I will have something to think about on my long ass walk home.

Danielle