The End (?) and The Beginning

It’s been a while since I’ve written. Hell, it’s been a while since I had a chance. I’m sitting here waiting on Prestina to finish eating so we can go walking around. I just don’t know anymore. This hanging around Prestina every single day has been getting old for a while now. I know that she feels the same way. I will make an effort to spend more time apart from her. We didn’t spend the weekend together because she spent it with Dame’on at her aunt’s house.

Cris and I went out over the weekend (Saturday, November 1, 2003) to see The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. That is a damned good movie and scary as hell. Everyone, including the men were screaming for dear life itself. Everyone was cursing and shouting and going crazy. I felt like throwing up when the gorest parts came along. There’s so much blood. I felt like walking out, but didn’t because I didn’t want to punk out. I couldn’t let that much money ($8) go to waste. But I had a hard time watching the movie too. Of course the part that gets everyone is that it’s real. Sure, there are parts that are embellished for Hollywood’s sake, but this is what really happened in a small town here in Texas. Frock. And the last end bit of the movie sent everyone running to the exits saying “Shit!”, “No more roadtrips.”, and “No picking up hitchhikers.” *lol*

I even saw some young cildren coming out of the theater with their families. I can’t believe parents are that irresponsible to allow their children to see a movie as gory (sp?) as that one.

The date was fun. It was also a double date with Cris’ bestfriend, Redie and his girlfriend, Alexa. I do hope that I am spelling their names correctly. Redie is the one that knew me from Kennedy. They are OK as far as I can tell. Together they have this sort of special love thing that I admire and sort of want, but I’m not foolish enough nor brave enough to take a risk to get it just yet.

While we were riding in Cris’ car we were holding hands wih our arms entwined. I loved it. I just thought, “This relationsip thing isn’t so bad, once you get everything started. I could really go with this.” Of course my life being what it is things went bad the very next day (Sunday, November 2, 2003) when I got mad at Cris. I heard him say to Redie to call him on the house phone. I thought he had Redie on three way the whole time we were on the phone since he had clicked over a few times. I don’t know if he was or wasn’t for sure, but I was pissed at the thought that he might have been so I hung up on him (Cris). I called him back after a couple of minutes and told him that I had hung up on him and to never have me on three with anyone ever again and I don’t know it. He said that Redie wasn’t on three way with us.

I did call him this morning to apologize for the way I acted. He only had an eh response to me. He also told me that he would call me in a little bit. He never called. This is was at 11 AM this morning. I am almost positive that this will be the end of us. I think we need a couple of days apart. I don’t know.

I have found a school that I can go to now. Since it’s the middle of the semester I was having trouble trying to go to a school here in Houston after waiting and wasting all that time on the Gary school. Mom is deadset on filing a complaint. More power to her. Those people deserve a swift kick in the ass. Hard.

I started writing poetry again last week. Or was it the week before last? Hmm. Well I think it was the week before last. Anyway, I wrote a poem about Cris. I have been feeling the urge to write more about everything else that is going on. I have been shutting myself down so I don’t have to deal with the pain of everything going on around, but that just seems to make it worse.

I talked to Eynar yesterday and he told me that he is going to be a priest. Yay for him. I feel as though I am losing him. We hardly even talk anymore. I love Eynar very much and I can’t bear to lose another close/best friend. It always happens this way. Whenever I get close to someone or truly love them, they go away. They always do. I don’t think that I will ever be able to simply love anyone and just exist in that. I thought I could, but I don’t know that I can. Something always goes wrong. Story of my sad, sorry life.

I could be in school in the next couple of days which makes me happy a little bit. I can’t wait to get high school over with. Mostly, I need to be in school so I can go apply for jobs. I need money. Bad. I want to remodel the house and pay for a laptop. I also just want/need some spending money. I have been working on the house the best that I can. I have been throwing all my old stuff away. I hang on to so many sentimental things that I end up packed in with all my “memories”. It’s time to let go.

That’s all that I can think of for now.

Lots of Love (to myself and anyone who took the time to read this),

Danielle