Is this the good life? I think we need a definition check.

[imood mood at time of entry: stressed]

So I’ve been residing in the land of Meaning To, as always, and haven’t really swung by the online journals much.  At least, not to write.  And it’s not even a case of not having anything to say.

I am still expecting my W-2 to show up, because the sooner I file, the sooner I’ll have my money.  I’m really anxious to have that laptop now that it looks like a possibility.

I went out of town earlier this month when stressful things were closing in more than ever.  I went down to San Marcos to visit Andrea and we hit San Antonio and Austin.  We also drove through/stopped briefly in a few other smaller towns.  The thrill of picking up and traveling is wearing off so quickly and already I’m back to hating everything; because no matter where I go or how much I distract myself, things have taken a downward curve.

There’s work that’s both boring and annoying.  It’s almost like this amazing feat to have managed to accomplish both of those things at the same time.  On the upside, we finally got our employee bit that I had been desperately waiting for.  I am always looking for a new item to add to my collection of stuff to sell once I quit or I’m fired.  The way it looks now, it’ll be a full blow-out sell to make sure that I can get as much money as possible.

I’ve barely spoken to Justin since we last hung out, which was, ehrm, last Friday (January 11, 2008), I believe.  There have been a couple of bored text messages and a couple of stunted phone calls where Justin was drunk and I was amused/exasperated.  All in all, we really haven’t had much to do with one another in ages, but that’s nothing new.  It just sort of feels different now, like we really do have a problem between us.  We haven’t out and out addressed it, but I do know that whatever we are and whatever we may have been, we aren’t actually friends.  Friends don’t treat one another the way we treat each other.  I mean, there are lapses in calls and so forth among friends, but there honestly seems to be an underlying layer of dislike between the two of us now.

Then, there’s the fact that I had a good look around at all of the people I interact with on a daily basis and found damned near all of them to be some of the fakest people I have ever met.  And now I’m stuck at work with a bunch of people I hate and no one that I like anymore.  Ronnie, one of the only people I could confidently say was my friend at work, busted his leg and won’t be returning.  He’s moving up to Temple to live with his sister for a couple of months while she looks after him, and then he’ll probably move in with other family members.  He ended up hurting himself while I had run off to Austin/San Antonio/San Marcos to get away from town for a while, but he was nice enough to call me and let me know what had happened.

He left town yesterday (Wednesday, January 16, 2008) and I didn’t even get a chance to see him or say good-bye in person.  I had been trying to work out a plan with him for a week now and nothing.  He was grumpy and slightly rude, but then he’d just had major surgery on his leg and ankle, was in extreme pain, and needs to take knock-you-dead-strength pain killers.  I don’t think that I could blame anyone for being annoyed if they were in that position.  But it’s just this consuming feeling of lose surrounding him slipping away when I repeatedly tried to find a way that we could at least sit around and talk before he left town.  Hopefully, I can work something out where I could go up to Temple to visit him.  I’m sure that they have hotels there and Greyhound might have a line that goes in that direction.

Then, there’s just the general feeling of dissatisfaction that I seem to be consumed by lately.  I mean really drenched in when I think about real life stuff.  I’m angry all of the time and working with evil-spirited people has made me into this nasty person that I don’t like and I barely recognize.  I was a bitch before I started working there, I’ll give myself that, but I’ve become this new brand of horror that I’d rather not think about too often.  All in all, I really don’t like me.  I don’t like the fact that I live in a fishbowl of a world where "white people" equals "crazy" and “black people” equals “them negroes. . .”  I kid you not.

All of my previous desires to just want to be friends with people regardless of who they are and what people say about them seems to have finally been knocked out of me.  My belief in the general goodness of other people is virtually nonexistent.  I know that what I really need is to detox and find some way to just manage the shit that seems to pour in on all sides of me.  But even in the face of all this logic, part of me is reveling in the loathing and hatred and every unpleasant emotion a person can experience.  It’s as though I really don’t give a damn anymore about anything, even though I know that isn’t the case.  I give a damn about paying my bills and getting somewhere in life.  But outside of that, it’s like I don’t care about just being a good person anymore and seeing some of the best things in life more often than the worst.

I’m supposed to head out to the museum in a bit, because that always made me feel better in the past.  But now as I think about all of the places I used to go to read or write or relax, I don’t really want to visit them, for fear that I will taint them with my anger and hatred and an unnamed something that is eating away at me.

Maybe, just maybe, it’s time that I stopped faking things and got on with life.  Because at the root of all of my fears is the fact that I literally can’t fake it forever.  I can’t put off taking care of all of my responsibilities forever, because one day my mom is going to die and then what am I going to do?  Where would I go?  I am hoping to give the FAFSA another go this year once I have my W-2.  My mom won’t have one, because she hasn’t had a job in about three years or so.  And really she needs one, because we need the extra income like nothing else.  I don’t think I even need my next breath as much as I need more money coming in.  I’m not just saying that either, because if I died tomorrow, my burial would be fully covered by old life insurance.  If I lived tomorrow, my bills would only just be covered by a job that I work too hard for so little money.

I haven’t put this down here, but I’m still working on one of my novel series little by little.  To be a little optimistic, I honestly think that it’s going to be written one of these days once I finish working out the plot.  I honest-to-goodness think that I am going to write these books.  That’s what makes me all the more anxious about getting that laptop.

Anyway, I need to get out of here, because I’m long overdue to leave here and head into town.  The museum goes freebie at 7 P.M. and here I am all the way on the other side of town.  I need to check the bus schedule and at least re-read through this.

I’m really hoping that this weekend goes better than I am anticipating.  I’m going to be working the entire weekend straight through with people I hate and the itch to quit or be fired.  Man, this is where prayer comes in.

Also, I finally decided to upgrade to paid status for the month to see if it made any difference.  Here’s to experiments!

Danielle