Ugh. Remind me why I bother.

[Personal Mood at time of both entries: Craptastic]

Today was just a really crap day. The end of my training period is nearing, and everything is closing in to crunch time. I came in not feeling on par as I had previously. I guess I subconsciously knew that today just wasn’t going to be my day.

Off the top of my head, I managed to get my Greeting duties wrong, I had a store information quiz with Amanda given to us by Richard that went sort of all over the place, and I managed to hit a customer in the face with my arm. Yeah. Just, great. Of course, I apologized and we joked around a bit, but it was still embarrassing and cruddy. There was also the fact that I had to be reprimanded for talking to the new retail girl, Angela. On that count, I don’t think that I can even be wholly blamed, because Amanda, the other new Host that started with me, was also reprimanded for talking to her as well.

There was also the fact that people keep coming over to talk to us when Lynn, one of our trainers, was trying to give us hands-on instructions. In this group of people who come over to chat, there tends to be at least two men during each shift that come over specifically to hit on Amanda. She’s this short, skinny, cute, white, blonde girl. So, of course, she’s going to have men hitting on her at every turn. As for myself, it’s usually a case of a standard ‘Hey’ or the ridiculously common ‘Look at the freak girl with the big breasts!’ looks and comments. Ugh.

Remind me again why I chose a job that requires me to be around people. God, I hate people. I hate having to be in environments that are filled with distractions. I know that I need the money and that the HRC is pretty good about people and their different personalities, but on some nights, it seems like it’s all a bit much for me. I don’t want to quit, because I just got this job and it can be damned fun once I get all of the groundwork out of the way. It’s just that everything seems so difficult and overwhelming at times.

I hate that feeling, because I know that I can handle tasks and I know that I can do an excellent job when given enough direction and space to complete said tasks. It’s just. . . Well, it’s just me and my year off that allowed me to grown unaccustomed to working long hours or standing on my feet for an entire shift. I can barely make it through five hours of work, and I have a longer shift coming up Sunday (November 26, 2006) when I cover for Icy.

I know that I need the money, but I really can’t wait until I find something that I can settle in to. As much as I like being a Host, I don’t know if it’s the job for me on a long term basis. I do know that I need to at least try to keep the job long enough to pay off my hospital bills, my old library fine, the current backlog of bills, and start a savings to live off of.

God, I am so screwed.

Oh, on another note, I saw and spoke to Robert today. I told him to his face that if it wasn’t for the fact that I knew that he wasn’t all bad, I would completely write him off as a disgusting jerk. He sort of shrugged and things were kind of weird a couple of times. On the odd upside, he did give me a shoulder massage, that kind of hurt, and we sort of chatted. Right before I left for the night, he gave me this big, copping a feel hug. The disgusting bastard. God, why, oh why can’t I be a lesbian? Ugh.

This is not to say that being a lesbian would stop me from having problems with disgusting men, because they all tend to be disgusting pigs. However, I wouldn’t have to worry about being attracted to a gender that turns my stomach most of the time. It’s like I’m willingly laying down in mud or a pile of stinking rot composed of vomit and rotting food. It’s just not that appealing to me. I don’t know how some people find that balance between having to sort through all of the losers in the world and discovering the rare guy that they can stand long enough to become attached to on any level. I simply cannot fathom such an instance occurring in my life. I just can’t. It seems, sometimes, that breathing underwater, sans gills or any breathing apparatus, would be possible long before I find someone that I can settle down with.

I know that it is my sole focus to get my life straight first before I think about anything else, but I can’t help but wonder about all of this in the back of my mind.

I have to go in again today, and I am hoping that today goes better than my last shift. There’s a sold out concert next door for some performer (s?) that I have never heard of before. This means that we will potentially have a packed house. Heaven help me, because I know now that I will need the help then.

Danielle

So it does look like I will be quitting after all. I have been working there since the 15th, and I was issued a fucking “pay card” that would supposedly give me my money. I have tried to use it numerous times to no avail.

Another red notice light bill came yesterday (Friday, November 24, 2006). I was hoping to withdraw at least some of my money so that I could pay on the bill in hopes of keeping my lights on. Seeing as it’s the only utility I have left, and the one that I need the most, I was hoping to just get by for the time being. Well, it doesn’t look like that is going to happen, because not only can I not access the funds that are supposedly mine, money keeps being deducted from the account on it’s own accord.

This bullshit wouldn’t be happening if I was given real checks that I could take to my bank. I was paid for a couple of training days last week, and would have had $62.43 to begin paying on my bills and buying bus passes. Thus far, I haven’t seen a penny of that money. And to make matters worse, that amount isn’t even in the account anymore. That is, if it ever was there to begin with.

I checked “my” balance just a couple of minutes ago on my mom’s cell phone and the balance is down to $57.18. When I checked it at Fiesta not even 35 minutes ago, the balance had been at $57.48. How much sense does that make?

I am trying to decide if I am going to call in now and tell them that I am not coming in or if I am going to go in and talk to a manager. I mean, what the fuck is the point in working at a job that’s not going to pay me? Sure, I get to eat one meal for free while I am training, but how’s that going to help me after training ends? I don’t even have enough money to buy more Ramen noodles. I believe that I am down to four packets and I don’t know where the food banks are that my mom has scored me some sub par grub from in the past.

Man, on the walk home, I was so pissed and frustrated that I wanted to start yelling at people or throwing things or cry out of sheer frustration. Nothing looks better to me at this point that finding that overpass to leap off of. I really hate this. What’s the point in having any type of hope, when it just proves to be a false start after needing something for so long?

I’m still not decided on whether I am going to go in or not, but I think that I might, if only to curse out the management. I mean, even that might make me feel better for about a minute. Mostly, I just want to stay at home and do nothing until Monday (November 27, 2006), when I plan to hit the streets of Downtown to look for another job.

I undeniably hate my life.

Danielle