Little Escape From The BIG Problem

[imood mood at time of entry: ok]

The feeling of relief, happiness, and small bit of peace I am feeling right now are truly beyond description in the small amount of time that I have to write here.

I have spent the last three days forcibly stuck at my aunt’s house to live there as a sort of live-in nanny for my grandmother. There is no choice that I have made, or could make, which would have allowed me to choose whether or not I wanted to spend the night(s) in my aunt’s fucked up house. All the noises and things one sees. The creepy vibe, and the knowledge that I have spotted my fair share of the dearly departed in that home. It freaks me out.

I did get some type of, well, I don’t know how to put it actually. Last night, I was fed up with staying at my aunt’s, so I pleaded and fussed and schemed for ways to go home to my mother’s house, and then show up at an agreeable time at Aunt P’s. When every option was locked and closed to me, I went outside and everything rolled inside and clawed at everything I am.

I don’t do well hidden away with nasty hypocrytical family members always being too generous with their damned orders. I am not quite sure what makes them believe that they shall ever control me. But, they have been trying to, break me, if you will, of my desire to leave this woman’s home. It will not be done. If I didn’t have to stay with my mom at this point in my life, I would leave and never come back. I don’t even think I’d come back for the funerals.

But back to the rolling emotions. So there I was, spine conturing to the curve of the side of my aunt’s car, staring up at the Lunar Eclispe, and tears filling my hair and ears. There was no other expression or outlet, and I just cried for a good five or ten minutes.

Finally, I went back inside to get my journal. At first, it didn’t kick in to help right away, but the more I wrote, the more I thought about what Fear and Desparation had been whispering to me while I was crying, the more settled I felt.

I was able to fall straight asleep without having to leave the television on, I was not as frightened of the extra inhabitants, and I didn’t need to stay up all night to get sleepy enough in order to force myself to eventually pass out.

It’s something about pouring myself out and connecting with my ruling planet, the Moon, especially on a Full Moon, that rights everything and renews my hope for love and life. It gives me this sense that I will make it OK, if I just breathe and allow a certain level of peace to reside within me.

Also, the pull to shower, perform a cleansing ritual, and dress in ritual robes was overwhleming last night. I wanted to so bad. I even knew the words that I wanted to say, and could see myself performing the movements of the celebratory ceremony. I wanted more than anything to be connected to that Moon in the sky and tell the Goddess that I was Hers alone. I don’t know why, but maybe I have done that before. I felt as thought I just had to celebrate the brilliance and beauty of the Moon and the Lunar Eclispe.

One more thing, thanks for the political encouragement on the last entry. I know exactly what you mean about voting for a party other than the major two. I thought about voting Communist, but could you imagine the number of people being sent to watch me? I don’t need that. I have enough to deal with.

Danielle