Idosyncrasies

[imood mood at time of entry: forsaken]

I just saw this girl outside the library. She was beautiful. An intake of breath at the sight of her was inevitable. She was wholly cute and dateable. I thought about approaching her, then I remembered the Society I live in. I just wanted her so much that I wanted to sit down next to her and ask her out right then in front of everyone else at the bus stop. I figured that she wouldn’t be into girls, but I guess I’ll never know. I wish that I had said something to her instead of pining and walking by.

She was on the thicker side, the way I love women, and had on the cutest sunglasses. She had the smoothest, creamiest looking skin I had since all day. She had her headphones on listening to her music and I wanted more than anything to know what she was listening to. What music she likes. *le sigh* Coward.

Yesterday (Thursday, September 16, 2004), I felt so sick. Not because I am sick right now, but because the dream I had. I needed to write. I was dying to, literally actually.

According to the dream I had, my mother is set to die in a few years time. It shook me so badly that I was sort of awake and sort of asleep. I was wimpering and moaning loudly. Tears were definitely present. In the dream world and in waking life too. I was shaking so bad that I could not hold myself steady.

I realized that I had to get out of my aunt’s house and go to the library. Or somewhere. I needed to walk and calm myself. I am still unnerved by the dream.

It doesn’t help that I have become overwhelmed with my fear of death lately. I truly should seek some type of psychiatric help. My “issues” are getting worse and worse. I feel as though I am not able to make any type of long-term decision. I have been job-hunting, but that hasn’t been fruitful. I really want to get away right now. I am thinking Italy. Anywhere along the Mediterranean actually.

I have been having trouble with my train of thought. One moment I’ll be OK, then the next, I’m shaking and crying and can’t breathe because I am thinking about my mortality. I fear it. I can’t say it any clearer than that. Above all else, I fear the mortality of everyone around me.

Everyone that I have ever cared about has either left me, died, or betrayed me. I can’t bring myself to let go of the past. It took me a year to admit to myself that my cousin, Michael, died. Now (and even then when I heard the news), I am convinced that I am going to die too. He died at 19.

I am so stressed that I can’t think clearly sometimes. If I had insurance, I would go get a complete physical because there are things hurting me, like my chronic chest pains. They get so bad that I can’t breathe. Even now they are hurting me. That with the numbness in left arm is sending me into overdrive in my lunacy.

Maybe I can find free counseling somewhere. Any counseling is better than no counseling.

*sigh*

I also dreamt of my magick. I had a similar dream a few years ago, and the same man in this dream was in that one. He tried to discourage me from using magick and casting spells. He more than implied that ruin would come of it, though, to my knowledge, my magick has never gone awry, and I have never truly cast a bad spell on another person.

In this dream, I had my wand from the previous dream. It was broken by a monster, and was replaced by a new wand. The wands did not look like the conventional type of wands. They looked more like a lawn ornaments than anything else. It was made of bendable copper and large glass jewels that glowed when in use.

The first one was a single pole of copper that wound around a large ruby at it’s end. It was broken on the floor of the monster’s mouth, I believe, while I was waving it through the air casting experimental spells so that I could get the feel of it back. It was, to be cliche, like riding a bicycle. It was as though I never stopped casting spells at all.

I caused these beautiful swirls of colored light to appear in the air. I made things happen like fire ignite and what ever else, I can’t clearly remember now. Anyway, the second wand was more innate. It had more jewels at the end and it had loops too. I used this stronger wand to kill the beast.

The horrible man was there the entire time telling me not to use my magick, even though it could, and did, save me. It was a part of me, and he told me that I should just forget about it. How could I forget about a part of my nature? I have been fighting with myself for years now as to whether I should follow the path that Life seems intent to put me on.

All my life, all I have known and thought is magick. All my dreams and aspirations have included magick. One of the earliest thougths I have ever had was of my reincarnation and of my being a witch.

There is a saying that goes, “Once a witch, always a witch.” I truly wonder if that is so, and am I who and what I should truly be. I am just so lost right now that I don’t know what to make of anything anymore. I have desired a teacher to tell me what I should do. What I should make of all the strange idosyncrasies that make up my entire being.

I am afraid, and I don’t quite know what to do with this fear, but I guess I’ll work something out, or Life will do so for me.

Danielle

P.S. I have written “adult themed” stories, but not something that should get my kicked off of FF.Net. If you want to read what was posted, let me know.