Further Complications

[imood mood at time of entry: kooky]

I thought about writing yesterday (Wednesday, December 3, 2003), but I changed my mind when the page came up. I decided to read my old entries instead.

I went to school today and it was not bad at all. I had some good laughs and my sexual lust ran amuck. Not that this is any different from every other day since I am a bit of a sex maven (I mean this to say that I am usually in a state of arousal.), but it was so much more today that I stopped doing my work in third period English because my fanstasies kept taking over. It was like that Tuesday (December 2, 2003) too. I’m ovulating so I am highly charged in the sex drive area. Darned primal hormones!

I know that many of you will be quite disappointed to read what I am about to write. I am going give you a few seconds to collect your breath and get ready. Ok? One. . . Two. . . Three. . . Breathe! I made out with Cris last night. Ok, OK, you can get over your shock anytime now and allow me to explain.

I have always maintained that I had to get over my emotional attachment to Cris, which I have. I do not feel anything for him in the “I’m in love” kind of way, but sexual attraction is something totally different. Even though we are broken up, we have remained drawn to each other. I truly think that we can be platonic friends, but Cris will always start things up. I will fight him for a little bit and then think “What the heck!” This was the case last night and that night we made out and he followed me home.

This is how it happened. I was walking to the park near my house to read my book and write in my journal when he came around the corner. He played like he was going to hit me as usual and I gave him my you-better-not look. Attitude up to the sky. He stopped and asked me where was I going since it was nighttime and around 9:40 PM. I told him “The park.” and he was like “It’s too late” and “Don’t you have to get up in the morning? You should be in bed.” He also kept saying that it was past my bedtime. *laughs* We talked normally for a while and then he brought up his growing erection. I could tell before he said it though. I always know. I thought it was funny, but tempting. You know how it is. Anyway, I kept pulling my hands from his grasp because he was trying to make me touch little Cris. (I did so later on because I wanted to.) I told him that he was a bad influence and that I was going to go to the park. I started off twice. Once he grabbed my arm to pull me back and the second he called me back.

So long story short, he asked me if I wanted to go to this other park and make out. I said “Sure.” and he told me to get in. The sky was achingly clear last night. The moon was so bright and the stars stood out the best they could against the glare. I must say that they did hold their own. Cris even called out constellations.

We kissed for a little bit, but Cris was acting strange. At first he was into it, but then something shifted. He kept asking me what kind of sex could we have. The answer: none. Not going to happen. Then he kept saying that we shouldn’t be kissing and that it wasn’t right. This is when he changed on me. He asked me why were we doing this. I told him that it was tension and stress relief. I guess he didn’t like this answer very much because then he said that he was sad and wanted to go home. He just changed on me like that *snaps fingers*. I don’t even know why he was being so moody. He wouldn’t tell me what was bothering him. He kept saying that he was fine and that it was just something on his mind. I even called him when I got home from the original park that I was headed for (he dropped me off, but wouldn’t hug or look me in the eyes). He wouldn’t talk to me. I don’t know what’s his problem. I saw nothing wrong in what we were doing.

So we broke up, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends or make out once in a while. I did ask him a few times what happened to being just regular friends. Apparently, he isn’t capable of that.

I just don’t know.

I called Prestina and she didn’t seem all that interested. I called Melody after Prestina hung up and I felt soooooo much better because she really listened to and understood me. I was fine and then Cris flipped out on me. It really messed with my good mood and my head. She and I talked and talked, but I had to get off the phone earlier than I would have liked because my mom wouldn’t quit bitching at me. She and I have the same situation with the whole being over the person but having a strong sexual desire for them. (I had been missing Cris for the past few days.) She said that she thought Cris still liked me in that romantic kind of way. Well, that is too damn bad because I am over him in that way. It’s a friendship now with a purely physical attraction. Nothing more. I worked too hard to be over him. It hurt like hell when we broke up. I was broken apart and I fixed myself. I refuse to take a step back.

I did see him earlier in the day, twice. Once when I was walking home from the bus stop after school and met up with Brandon (my brother, not Lytewyng) who was walking down the street and once more after I came home from the library yesterday. I got him this bookmarker with a picture of a Black Texans cheerleader on it. When I saw it on the counter I laughed and thought of Cris. I thought he might like it. He acted indifferent to me and stared at the bookmarker for a while before tossing it on the counter at the store. I couldn’t figure out why. I did ask him about it when he saw me walking to the park though. He wouldn’t give me a straight answer.

*sighs*

Anyway, at school I saw Jerimiah and I just about attacked him. He was must have been putting out the pheromones in the worst way because I was a beast today. There was this other guy, a new one to the school, that I saw in a couple of my classes. He sat in front of me in English and I seriously considered mauling him. *lol* I couldn’t help it! I’m “in heat”. *laughs*

So, I have three papers which are all 5 pages long and due in the next two weeks before school is up to make up all the missing grades. It’s crazy. That’s the reason why I’m here, to do research. I just thought I’d write in my journal since I’ve been dying to do so since yesterday.

*sighs*

My hormones are tres, tres crazy right now. I need a nice cold shower and some time alone before I go wild and sink my teeth and hands into one or more of the fine men of Houston!

*lol*

Danielle