Apparently, Banging Your Head Against A Wall Is Quite Fashionable

[imood mood at time of entry: bothered]

Apparently, I just looove banging my head against a freaking brick wall. I want to stay friends with Cris, but he wants us to be lovers. Just yesterday (Sunday, December 14, 2003) when we were on the phone trying to get my paper details down he asked me to be his girlfriend again. No, I did not say yes. I wanted to say “Hell the fuck no!!!”, but I couldn’t seeing as how he was typing up my paper for me.

This is how it all happened. I couldn’t make it back to the library to finish typing my paper. I stopped writing just short of the first full page. I got stuck. I needed feedback and didn’t have any. So I surfed the ‘net and went home with the intention of coming back on Sunday, well that didn’t happen. I didn’t have a bra to wear and I didn’t want to go jiggling about around Houston. I was thinking of just not turning it in, but I didn’t like this idea too much seeing as how it would be like admitting defeat which I never want to do and it would look bad on me since I asked for a paper to write to make up for all my missing grades in the first place.

Well, I thought about it all of Sunday and finally decided to call Cris and ask him to type the paper for me. We agreed that I would pay him $25. He did ask me if I would have sex with him to pay the debt. I was joking with him and said something about a handjob and he went completely for that idea as well. Yuck. Anyway, I told him a big definite N-O on both non monetary payment methods.

So we stayed on the phone for a few hours. I told him what he needed to write and gave him quotes to put in the paper. He was to pad it and do the actual wording. I just gave him a starting point since he had never read the book before.

I have to pay him $10 this Saturday (December 20, 2003) and then $5 for three weeks after that. It’s not so bad considering that I am going to be using all my lunch and extra money to pay him. He does want to see me today so that we can hang out and make out and all of that. Personally, I don’t want to do any of that. It just seems kind of yucky now. He made this whole big thing about us making out and how he didn’t want us to just get together. He has this thing where he says it’ll mean something to him and whatnot. He was even arrogant enough to tell me that us hooking up would mean something to me. Well, he is most certainly wrong. I just don’t like him anymore. I am attracted to him because he has this air about him, but that’s it. I like him solely as a friend now and nothing else. I neeeeeever want to date him again.

We did have a nice talk about the freak that he was supposed to have met up with in a hotel room while we were together. He just had this sort of high and amighty voice thing going on. He called the girl a ho and everything because she was good to go. Well, he was wanting to do something too, so what does that make him?

I did ask him if he had the opportunity to sleep with someone else if I said a definte no, would he sleep with them. He said ‘yes’ and I called him a whore. He got all quiet on me.

I personally still don’t have this whole thing figured out. I am still trying to find my comfort area with sex and I don’t need some sex addicted ex boyfriend trying to pressure me for sex all the damn time. Everytime we talk it’s like “Are we going to have sex? When are we going to have sex?” I told him “Never.” and he just doesn’t seem to get it. I mean, I want to, but I just can’t. Not with him. He can’t respect my boundaries or my feelings or right to say no or to change my mind after a momentary lapse of good sense. He’s just not the one for me. I wanted more than anything for Cris to be my lobster, but he’s not. He never will be. I will never give him another try because I’ve been there and I don’t want to go back. It’s just that this past week I had been feeling those old feelings again despite myself.

I’ve said some pretty crappy things to and about Cris to other people and he’s said and did some crappy things to me too. For the most part, we’re even, but I don’t want to go back there. When he asked me to be his girlfriend I just said “Uh…” a whole lot of times. I asked him if he meant for us to be pretending to be girlfriend and boyfriend as art of some plot. He said no that wasn’t what he was asking me. Then I asked him where was all of this coming from and he said that I asked a lot of questions. Goddamn right I ask a lot of questions! We break up a month ago, you hound me for sex all the damn time, I tried to get you back then and you didn’t want me, and then you burst out with asking me to be your girlfriend!!!! I mean, what am I supposed to think??

Anyway, school was fine today if not strange. There was plenty of action today. I made up for my missing Science work with 50 random definitions copied from the back of the Science book. Mr. Damon’s truck was almost stolen while we were in class. He looked out the window and ran out of the class. Everyone was like WTF? and then we looked out the window. He was chasing the guy right out of the parking lot, but the crazy thing about it was that neither one of them were running very fast. They were sort of jogging like they were on Memorial Park trail somewhere. *lol*

The resident school policeman’s van got broken into and he mentioned it to me as I walked on campus this morning. I mentioned it to some other people, but no one seemed to care. I guess it’s because no one at school likes him. The cop said that the people couldn’t steal his car because they weren’t able to start it up. Ummm. . . ok. *hunches*

So, I got my English paper turned in and I just need to bring in my food and paper for History and then I am done with my make up work. This week is Finals. Can’t wait. Oh! Mr. Damon told me that my paper that I did would be my Final, so I didn’t have to worry about it. Cooool.

Gosh, I had alot to say.

Oh! I am in total shock! I read the entry for today in Ltyewyng’sdiary. He lost his freaking virginity in a threesome!!! I mean WoW!!!! I haven’t gone back to read the other two entries in my Inbox just yet because I felt like writing here. I have dying to write here all day.

It’s times like these that I feel left behind. Like every one of my friends are out screwing the world and I’m left stuck in their dust trying to get my sexual footing. This is all my darned mother’s fault! And Society too! If I hadn’t been raised in conservative Texas and had a shame and fear of my sexuality as a woman instilled into me I would be a lot better off. That and I am naturally shy at first by nature. One of these days I will find the perfect lover who is patient and caring and loves me. And maybe one of these days I will love me too.

Danielle

P.S. “Sour Girl” just came on. I can’t believe STP (Stone Temple Pilots) broke up. I loved them! But I knew it would happen eventually since Scott just could not leave those drugs alone, but I am still sad all the same. *sniffles*