Doing the People Shimmy Shake

[imood mood at time of entry: angry]

I really have to say it. I do. It’s not even anything that I haven’t said before, but I really fucking hate people. I mean, it’s not like this is something unexpected from me, but I can’t stand being around them most of the time. Whenever I extend kindness, it’s all for naught. Whenever I dismiss bullcrap and crappy people, all of a sudden I’m mean.

Well, guess what. . . I am mean. At least, I have grown to be this way. I know that we shouldn’t let stuff get us down and all of that happy, jolly nonsense, but it’s ridiculously hard to stay pleasant when I am around most everyone else. This is not to say that I don’t give it my best shot from time to time, but it’s impossible when I can’t find a way to be wholly interested in the rumors and crap that people start. It’s impossible to just smile and suck it up when people basically sexual harass me and then get pissed off when something is said to them.

Okay, just tonight Robert, a server at my job, got all in my face and started shouting at me over the fact that I reported him to our General Manager, Alfred. What did he expect? He said that I should have brought my issues to him first and I did. That did nothing, so I took it over his head. At the same time, I reported Jerry, another server, who asked me to jump up and down for him on his last day.

I don’t know what planet these guys come from, but I don’t fucking have to take that shit. And along those same lines, Erin, that rich girl host that doesn’t even need to work, told me that we had an issue one day last week when she came to work in a bad mood. And, not only just a bad mood, either. No, she hadn’t slept and took to the drink, so she copped an attitude with me.

I know that I have been thoroughly pissed off at work, but I usually snap out of it or take my pissed off behind home. I know that I need the money, but I truly hate these people sometimes. Like, Courtney. She’s a new transfer from Orlando and all she does is bitch about the fact that she can’t make as much money as she did in Orlando.

Again, what the fuck was she expecting?!

Orlando is a bigger tourist trap city than mine, because it has Disneyland there. We have plenty going for us here, but how can she not have foreseen a drop in her income if she was going to a city that wasn’t basically being supported by Disney Corp? Really, I’d like to know what she was thinking and what she was expecting. I know that she said that she was pretty much duped/forced to transfer over to our location, but she couldn’t have honestly expected things to stay the same. Could she?

I do have to admit, besides all of that, life’s not all bad. I have some money now and I am working toward being in a better position where I can get the second job that I need. It’s not like I even want a second job, I effing need one. I need new interview clothes and to redo my resume. I can probably switch over to just job experience and take off my old stuff. I’ll have to see how it looks. After I do that, I need to call my references and see if they are still current. I am dreading doing all of this, but I need to do it. Guh. I am still wondering if there is any way that I can simply avoid all of this.

I am still getting hit on by men and I don’t quite know what to do. For the most part, I’m not really interested in all of them. For anything that it’s worth, if I could choose to be gay, I would. I really don’t like men. Although I am greatly attracted to them, the thought of most of them makes me sick. I just don’t like many of the ones that I meet, because they whore around and lie to all of the girls that they are with. Why in the holy hell would I want to be one of those girls that have their heads in the clouds, thinking that their so-called men are faithful and in love with them?

The one guy that I think is worth the effort is always busy and works the concert events that I’d like to attend with him. Yeah, it’s back to Chris. It hadn’t ever truly gone away from him, but I didn’t see him for a few months there. Last Saturday (March 3, 2007), we ended up hanging out for hours. At first, I thought he was Matt and couldn’t believe the nerve of the bastard for daring to walk his lying self up to me.

I can’t really be blamed for making that mistake, because from the bottom down, they sort of look alike. Well, Chris is much smaller, but there’s enough of him that I could make that mistake if I wasn’t really paying attention, which I wasn’t. So, I ended up figuring out that it was Chris who spoke to me and not Matt. After that, he showed me the place he hooks up his computer and we chatted. He was supposed to be there doing homework or whatnot, but we walked to McDonald’s to get something to eat.

We started chatting around 1:35 P.M. and didn’t really take note of the time until 5 P.M. After we noticed the time, he walked me all the way home, even though he could have caught other buses. This was after he said something along the lines that it should say something that we spent that much time together and didn’t notice much around us. We talked about our high school selves. Turns out that he was a football player turned robotics team member in high school. While I was definitely not the sort of person to hang out with jocks and loved drama classes and poetry. There was also the fact that I was in Magnet and took my classes with a minimum level of semi-seriousness and he didn’t really care very much at all. He told me that he was still the same way, but that he’s really trying to work towards his goal of being a trained IT specialist.

I admire him for his resolve, even though I know that he goes into his slumps. We all have them where we don’t want to do anything at all. I know for damn sure that I have them loads and I find some way to work through them in the end.

Take for instance, the story that I was supposed to have written for round three of HPSlashNotSmut over on LiveJournal. I’ve barely written a word of my fic and it’s due in two weeks. I am still certain that I will drum up something in the end. I might not have time to get it properly beta’d, not that I have an HP beta standing by, but I am hoping to get it in on time. In fact, I am hoping to work on it some tonight and/or this weekend.

I am thinking of basing the fic on 30 Seconds to Mar’s song, “Beautiful Lie” and working in the Amber/Matt/Carmen fiasco. I just have to use them as character inspiration for something!

Since I have this weekend off, I need to run some errands. I need to go to Fry’s and buy more pepper spray-ish stuff for Lynne. I also need to get in all of the Internetting I can manage, because the college library is going to be closed for Spring Break. I also need to wash out my work shirt, because it’s sweaty and has food on it. I also need to work on my ability not to talk to my co-workers. If I just leave them alone and say nothing at all to them, then none of them can say that I am sarcastic or whatever.

I also need to write checks for my bills and look into paying on my medical bills again. I really want to work on my braiding, but I don’t really have a comfortable enough position to do so here at the house. Maybe if I find something, I can get through more of the bracelets quicker.

Let’s see, what else? I’ve been reading on and off, but mostly this week I have been working my behind off and listening to the mix CD Chris and I made on Saturday. I have the Blue October songs re-burnt and other songs that I had stored on my Flash Drive or burnt previously re-burnt. I also got a few new songs from Chris’ frighteningly large music collection.

I still have the Gym Class Heroes show to look forward to, but I find that I am looking forward to meals and paychecks and shopping sprees more. And speaking of meals, I bought more Frank’s Pizza today. I ate the earlier slices for lunch, but my late night snack/breakfast slices never had the chance to be consumed by me or Brandon, my younger brother. Some woman came up to me and begged me for food. I don’t know. I felt sorry for her, but I couldn’t help but wonder if she suckered me out of the pizza I planned to share with Brandon.

She probably did, because I had just walked in and out of Frank’s, so that I could catch the last bus out of Downtown. I really hate that feeling that I was scammed, but I can’t help myself when it comes to people. I know that I can’t stand them most of the time, but have someone tell me they need help or are hungry, and I am a freakin’ bleeding heart. I have really got to learn to stop doing that. Guh! I mean, it’s not like I am nice person. Not wholly so. It’s just that damned compassionate and empathic side of me that I just can’t seem to fully stamp out. I’m sure that I or Society/fucking idiotic people will destroy it eventually, but today simply was not that day.

And how were you?

Danielle