“Yea, I Fucked Up.”

[imood mood at time of entry: challenged]

Warning: This is a pretty long entry and the word “fuck” is used a bit.

“You fucked up Danielle,” He said to me, leaning back casually in his chair and smiled like the world was all roses and sunshine, “You. . . fucked. . . up.”

I force out a smile and swallow my pride, and the buring lump of realization that makes me want to cry, “Yea,” I playful nudge the bottom of his foot with the tip of mine, “I fucked up.”

“I always thought you were so smart,” he continues and my eyes glisten with tears ready to spill at any moment.

At this point, I believe he is talking about what a failure I am. The smart girl who stumbled and ruined her life. I didn’t follow the plan, and look where it’s gotten me. I graduated high school late, quit my job, and have no clue how I am going to pay for college. I am pushed further and further away from my family, because, it is painfully obvious that I am not needed in my mother’s household anymore, and all I can do in her eyes is muddle.

He goes on to chastise me for not coming to see him sooner. Though he is a successful football player with faulty mathematical skills, he is correct. I messed up. Who knew that even my dreams would start to tell me the same?

The one thing my waking mind spends it’s time trying to figure out is how I am going to get out of the mess I am in. I am intelligent, I have excellent people skills, I could ace any interview I go to, but I am stuck. It’s like some quarter-life crisis. All I am missing is the fast car and a babe on my arm. I can’t afford either at this point.

But the more I’ve thought about that dream from this morning, I see that it may not be talking about just me personally. I have had that same dream two days in a row now, with only minor differences between them. It’s one thing to have a reoccuring dream every now and then, but to have the same dream the very next day definitely has to mean something.

I am always back, walking in a darkened version of my home school (the high school I am zoned to). I am afraid of what will attack me, but I run into groups of middle-schoolers, the next wave to come to that school. They are hanging around in groups. Some smoking, others chatting, and all looking at me. I end up talking to someone (the first time a janitor, and the second time an older student, I think), and the general undertone of the conversation is that I need to help those that are coming. They need to be warned and guided in that school. Like I need to give something back now that I have made it out.

There was also this house that I visited. I repeated the same actions in both dreams, but the family that resided in the home was there in the second one. I had wondered where they were in the previous version of this dream. It turns out that I was in a romantic relationship with the son. He of course was strapped with these horrible parents that were hell-bent on torturing him. Luckily, he was gifted with a brother and a sister that took pity on him out their love and bond with him. They aided us as best they could so that we could get away together from his manic father, and the passive-aggressive mother who supported him (the father).

I had thrown my bags out the window as before, since, I was going to climb out of the bedroom window first, but that’s when the father came around the corner of the house and changed the course of the dream. I was briefly heartbroken when we seperated, but I had to move on. The separation was drawn out and painful, but it’s much too long to go into detail here.

That’s when I stated walking on a sidewalk. The dream jumped around and I walking with different people in different locations throughout the dream. Once again the theme of helping and teaching others came up when a girl younger than myself began walking with me. A rude boy asked us something awful and I gave him a witty and biting reply. She smiled at me and I was going to show her how to be a strong woman who took no crap.

Before I could do that, I ran into the football guy (who told me I fucked up) and his friends. They all looked vaguely familiar, but I could not quite place them. I just knew I had attended school with them. The landscape was also strange, but I knew it. It was like two separate continents that were somehow brought together and had very little distance in between them. In fact, they were connected by a metal park-like crossing bridge.

I woke up and I couldn’t breath. Partially because my nose got slammed into a wall yesterday (Wednesday, August 4, 2004), and partially because I was trying to come to full awareness. I had been sleeping with my eyes open at the end of the dream.

So now I have to deal with everything. I don’t know what to do exactly. It overwhelming when I have all these dreams that mean so much and contain a lot of information to be processed, but I don’t have a teacher or guide to help me through it all. I don’t know what to do with the hints and the clues and the warnings of danger. I don’t know if I am expected to be strong and figure something out myself, or should I seek a teacher. I don’t see why that can’t be plainly laid out like the whole failure thing.

Maybe the whole thing is reinforcing the fact that I already know that I am not doing what I was put here to do. I am floudering without a definite anchor to hold onto.

I did have something good happen to me today though. I won a contest in the Houston Chronicle to go see a preview of the Princess Diaries 2. Now I don’t have to worry about paying to see that movie. I also found this piece of white quartz just lying on the side of the road while waiting for my bus to come. Cool. Anyway, I think I will surf around some more and do some reading.

Danielle