Illusionist Love and Pictures!

[imood mood at time of entry: doubtful]

I am about to get out of here and go write on my research paper. It is due this Friday (June 25, 2004), but I have already informed my teacher not to expect it until next Monday (June 28, 2004). I already knew that takes an automatic 20 points off of the overall grade, but I have been working all of last weekend and everything is hectic right now. I did come to the library today to write down quotes that I will need to use in the paper.

The whole thing is about answering a question. I sincerely considered taking a swing at the question a former coworker used in her college research paper. I wondered if I could prove, like her, that people don’t actually fall in love, but fall in love with the idea of being in love. I decided to store that one away for reserve and future use. I think that I could prove it. I know that I fit into that category of overly ripe-hearted people holding onto a nonexistant dream of a notion we all call “love”.

But, is it truly so? Can we really put a finger upon that which is so coveted by human beings, we are willing to take the life of another for? Is this idea really tangible? Can I touch? Can I feel it? Can I honestly experience it? I don’t think so, not in the romantic sense. I am more flung over the idea of finding that special someone. It is my lack of decent choices and the itching desperation that leads me into the auto-resetting trap of settling for a Mr. Hell No! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!, when I should be looking for/waiting for Mr. Damn! He Melts My Panties and Completes Me!

But then, waiting takes patience and time, both of which I am occasionally short on. I simply get lonely just like the rest of the world, and then spend wasted hours regretting and feeling ashamed of the spurly made decision. This is not to say that I have sex with just anyone, that could not be farther from the truth, but rather I allow myself to get carried away by damn near everyone I develope a crush on.

The logial side of me analyzes every possibility of us getting together, and how our relationshp would be. I broadcast impossibly perfect versions of me being absolutely satisfied into my overimaginative brain. Of course, this only serves to torture and further shove me into a crevice of denial, delusions, and false hope of what is really to be.

I go around with my illusions, ever dreaming up scenarios that never quite make it to the story lines they were intended for, and clutch onto these daydreams as if they are real, as if they will somehow come true. I know that if I work hard enough, all of my fantasies of achievement and self satisfaction will come true, but is this the same with love? Perhaps with a relationship, but love is different. Either it’s there or it isn’t. Or am I going about this all wrong? Who knows? I have to go now anyway.

Danielle