Let Me Count The Ways. . .

[imood mood at time of entry: digusted]
[Personal Mood at time of entry: disappointed to boot]

in which I am a bad person.

I say this often, that I’m a bad person. It’s part truth and part laziness that begets me that title. Some of the things that I do can’t be helped. They’re simply so far ingrained into who I am, that it’d probably definitely be like erasing a piece of who I am if I let them go free and clear.

Then, there are the lazy habits that I’ve fallen into. The screaming, the cursing, the heated temper, the little things about myself that annoy me. Me, for god’s sake!

Now, I know that I can’t smooth out of my issues, what with the sensitivity and inability to properly let go of past hurts and embarrassments and my occasional flares of neediness because I always have to pretend to be self-sufficient, but I can’t help but be disgusted with myself sometimes.

I know that one can only wonder what I think makes someone a bad person. Well, there is the cursing and the temper and the yelling, but also the fact that I’ve grown sort of mean. Not even just bitter mean (but that, too), but just mean in general. I’m mean-spirited and I’ve grown to have a taste for vicious gossip, especially when it’s true and I don’t particularly like the person I am talking about. (Okay, that is the only instance when I like vicious gossip, but still!) I’m just not a nice person right now.

This is not to say that I was always one-part Sugar and one-part Spice, but even I have noticed this change in myself. Where is that person who was unwittingly kind to everyone? I mean, she’s still there, because I hold chats with people I do not want to and go that extra mile if asked. However, I find that Nice Danielle tends to disappear awfully quick. She is replaced with Petty, Name-calling, Angry, Easily Frustrated, Doesn’t-Want-To-Be-Bothered, People-hating Danielle.

It’s not exactly a surprise to me that I’ve ended up this way, what with my past acts of unconditional generosity being thrown back in my face, but I never really wanted to be like this. I admit that I didn’t mind a certain level of bitterness and cynicism, but that was all in a la-di-da, didn’t-go-bone-deep level. True, it was there all along, but every negative thing about me seems to be amplified.

And maybe, maybe, it’s just me that is seeing this, because I know and truly want to be the better person that I can be. You know, if I got back to finding some inner peace and stopped desiring to rip people to shreds or egg their houses. Some people don’t know just how close they came, either. I’m simply so frustrated with myself. I am trying to get my shit together and the biggest thing getting in my way now is myself. I have somehow managed to find myself a job and not only keep it, but keep it long enough that I can sign up for my 401(k) benefit package. 401(k)! I’m 21 and I’d already be saving for retirement with a company that matches me dollar for dollar. I kid you not!

I am literally at a point where I would just be well off enough that I could truly start saving up, if I only buttoned down and got that second job. True, I don’t really have nice interview clothes and shoes and haven’t really found much when I’ve had the chance to look, but if I really wanted it, I would have found a way to make it happen by now. Nothing stands between a person and their goal, not if they want it bad enough. And me, I’ve just grown content to stay where I am for the moment and bitch, bitch, bitch.

And then, of course, while being stationary, I always manage to get wrapped up into someone else’s wank, like it was simply waiting there for me to turn up. Maybe that’s how it all works and the Universe is simply playing with Its Conspiracy Tinker Toys.

Or, maybe I am simply a lazy sod that hasn’t been writing and has been more concerned with other things. Okay, so I have technically been working and keeping my nose in all of the papers for open positions and focusing on paying the bills, but I haven’t really gone after that second job I need like I should. Nor, any other opportunities. Where’s the Grrr!? Where’s the competitive edge? It’s just not there. I feel so timid most days, that I literally shrink into myself.

Could it be that I am simply overcompensating for my own insecurities (that I have yet to realize even exist)? Or, more likely, is this is how my frustration is manifesting itself? I can’t even say that I have a ton of insecurities, because I don’t think that I’ve felt better about myself ever. I am extraordinarily vain. And I don’t just mean slightly self-congratulatory over having genetically attractive physical attributes that some people find pleasing. No, I have grown unabashedly Vain. Yes, with a capital V.

It’s that fact that’s made me exam myself and what makes me not like what I see. What makes me proclaim myself to be a Bad Person. Do you know what I saw when I looked at myself? I saw the very personification of the Seven Deadly Sins. Now, I am about as Christian as an atheist, but even I have to admit that the Christians hasn’t gotten it completely wrong where the Sins are concerned.

Let’s see:

1) I’m vain and exceedingly prideful. Anytime I am conscious, I am absolutely obsessed with how I look. I don’t even get all dressed up, either. I can be wearing the rattiest outfit known to man and still think that I am the hottest thing cookin’. True, society and the men who follow me around, both physically and with their eyes, only feed my ego, but it’s there; that horrible side of me that has to affirm that I am “hot” and smart and the Very Best Ever. I mean, I say that I’m hot/brilliant/etc. as least one day. Or, I say something about me is great/attractive/nice/fabulous. I know that we should all be secure and self-confident, but I think that I am over doing it. I mean, I imagine people all looking at me (Okay, looking at me in awe. *hangs head*) as I walk down the street. So, some of them do, but it’s the breasts, really! Still, where did this monster come from?!

2) I’m prone to gluttony by overindulge in everything I enjoy, including books, food, Internet time, reading my saved fics, etc. Well, mostly those, as “books” sum up my shopping addiction as a whole with other branches growing off of it. But it’s just the fact that I can’t seem to stop. I can’t seem to stop spending or eating everything that tastes good to me. Gah!

3) I am a jealous bitch. No, I do not wish to choose another word. I’m a bitch, plain and simple. I acknowledge that. As such, I clash with other bitchy types, but that’s bleeding over into another Sin. But back to my envious tendencies. If I see that someone has a better schedule than me at work, I hate them. I would curse them until the cows decided to mosey on home. But the funny thing is, I hardly get this way about happy couples or most material items. And here I thought that women where supposed to be cutthroat about elbowing their way towards a man or through a sale. *shrugs*

4) I don’t hesitate to scream and curse bloody murder when I am pissed off. I have an anger issue the likes of which I am sure many people would either wither in the face of or explode spectacularly as result of them being the gasoline to my fire. It’s definitely not to the point where I need anger management classes to control my debilitating rage, but therapy or yoga or meditation would be excellent options to attempt to remedy my wrathful ways.

5) Again, I can be lazy. On the occasional day that I have off and don’t feel like leaving the house, sloths could be see moving faster than me. My lack of desire to get out somewhere those days only feeds into my gluttony, but then problems tend to be chain issues.

6) My big eyes that want everything I see also feeds into my gluttonous appetite for the exquisite. Some days, I absolutely cannot control my greed. It is impossible to rein myself in and force myself to live within certain limits. Certain limits to build character and so forth. No, instead of reinforcing my character through self-denial, I’d rather take it all in. Naturally, this is usually on the grounds of no self-control and my ever-present belief that if I should die, I should die a happy and fulfilled woman. This is not to say that I shouldn’t die happy and fulfilled, but logically I know that fulfillment of the long term kind will (should!) not only keep me much more satisfied, it’ll allow me to live a longer life to enjoy said fulfillment. The way that I am going now on the food and stress and so forth, I’ll be lucky to see my 30s, 40s, or 50s.

7) Now, to say that I am lustful would be an all-time understatement. It’s true! It would be. I’m in the uphill side of my sexual prime. I haven’t spent the greatest amount of time expressing said side of me with the entire world, so I’ve got a bit of catching up to do. You know, in my own way. But the fact remains that I think about sex all the time. Whether I am having it or not, it’s usually there, in the back of my head stewing away. It’s a whole ‘nother entry, but I am sure that I will get to it over the weekend. I saved the entry title, but I didn’t write out the words to go with it. Even so, I wouldn’t really say that this makes me a bad person, because sexuality is a part of many living beings’ very nature. Still, the theme is all of the Deadly Sins, so what can I do?

There! See! And even looking back at all of that, there is the fact that I know that this is not all there is to me. There’s good stuff within me, whether I feel like pointing any of it out in this entry or not. I genuinely care for other people, even though I am short-tempered. I honestly don’t like to see others suffer, except for when they’ve pissed me off to holy hell. And even that has to be an extreme and is usually not physical suffering I’d like to see, as the emotional sort tends to stick around longer. Believe me, I would know.

So what is to be done about my Bad Person status? Should I run out and attempt to embrace the entire world all at once in hopes of letting some of the goodness I know is out there seep into me, fill in all of the murky pits inside my being? I am thinking no, since it’d be overwhelming and would probably do more harm than good. Everyone know that we live in a wicked world, no matter how many peaceful folk live on this planet.

I am thinking that I should look into some sort of activity. I know that I have really been yearning to start volunteering again. I used to LOVE doing that in high school. Nothing pleased me more than getting up early on a Saturday morning to go help someone else out of my own free will. Well, there was the writing and the poetry and my love for Daniel, but I really enjoyed volunteer work. I wonder if I’ll be able to fall back into that again. It’d be really great if I did, because it would force me to take a step back. And if I didn’t voluntarily take that step back, just being there would knock me that step back and a couple extra to boot.

I think that it’d give me perspective. And most of all, I think that I could start to truly like myself as person again. The Danielle I am now, that’s mixed in with bad people and bad situations and what have you, isn’t cutting it for me. I can’t be this person for the rest of my life. I just can’t.

On a random note, random in regards to the rest of this entry, I walked past the Toyota Center today/yesterday for the first time since I quit and left for good. I hadn’t planned to, but I did on the way back from buying my concert tickets. It turns out that I will have to walk past it again when I go to attend the event.

Well, I thought I’d be okay walking past the building itself, but my heart and stomach turned over. I had experienced as much when I saw the name on the map I use to give directions at work or when a patron would say that they were heading there after their meal. I felt everything I felt while working there. The undervaluation, the annoyance, the frustration, the longing to see my old friends, everything.

I also felt a few things that could be expected, seeing as how that was the longest job I’d ever held in my entire life. There was a hopeful fear that perhaps I’d run into someone that I knew. That’s I’d catch up with them and tell them how I was and where I’m working now, It’d be my opportunity to flaunt my current position just a little bit, since I always wanted to elevate myself above that crappy assed job when I was there.

I wanted to wholly remove the Toyota Center from my cache of influences, even though it’ll be there among all of my stored data for as long as I live. I just wanted to have my “Ha!” moment, even though I occasionally regretted kicking my crappy job to the curb when I knew that I needed the money. Even though money was tight, my internal struggle for sanity and dignity were tighter, so I made the only choice I felt I could make. Most days, I know that I did the right thing by leaving the Toyota Center behind. Other days, I just hope that I did the right.

So! How are all of you? = D

Danielle