(2:50 P.M. – 4:01 P.M. US Central Time/Thursday/Downtown library)
(imood mood at time of entry: hopeful)
I have been an awful journal keeper.
All due to several factors.
I’m either working crazy hours, busy doing something else, or punishing myself.
Writing to me has always been my release, that little something that keeps me on even keel. However, as I am the queen of bottling things up, avoidance, and emotional masochism, I would opt to squash my desire to write or work magick or do any number of things. To say that it has merely affected the quality of my life and my overall happiness these past few years or so, would be insult to the word ‘understatement’. I mean, is there even a word for such a grievous lack of personal regard?
I don’t know it off the top of my head if it exists.
So, it’s just me, Danielle.
And it seems that every so often, as life is wont to do, it’s provided me with a wall that I simply cannot get past. Not continuing on the way I have, that is. I’ve definitely made a first step to try and get myself where I need to be. All I want after everything I’ve seen and done and gone through is to just be happy in some measure and to be able to pay ALL of my bills with money left over.
I know that seems like a lot to ask for someone attempting to survive this economy with only a high school degree to her name, but I still have shit I need to do. It’s not like I can simply take off and go to college, when I need to work to support my family. It’s not like I can get from one place to another easily on the bus, since it comes whenever it feels like it. All the bitching and complaining in the world cannot force the buses to show up on time. I know, I complain religiously.
So where does that leave me?
It leaves me scraping together enough money to buy a car and work on getting my license. It leaves me exasperated and slightly belligerent if anyone so much as criticizes my life. Because after all, they aren’t doing spit to help me, just nitpicking and I don’t feel like listening to anything they have to say.
I’m giving up everything I have every wanted to do to live the crappy life I lead. I hate my job and my co-workers. I still don’t like people, because they are idiotic whack jobs with entitlement issues. Despite all of this, I have stuck with my ‘vow’ to stick to the next job I landed after not working and starving for a year following that damned concession gig. But I must say, 2 and a half years at a job I loathe is pretty good for me. Abusive boyfriend tendencies aside, this job is the longest relationship I’ve had with any group of people outside of my family or the bands I like. Sometimes, I just don’t know what to make of that.
In the boyfriend area, which needed to be updated and examined ages ago, I had a couple in the past six months. It’s the darned thing, too.
Justin, the go-around-again-boyfriend, and me stuck it out for four months until I finally called a spade a bad boyfriend. I didn’t love him, knew that I never would, and Justin just couldn’t seem to get his shit together. It was like he didn’t truly want to move forward in life. Sure, he kept going on about making a rap album and being a musician, but not being to stop smoking pot for two seconds to be able to pass a drug test to snag a decent paying gig wasn’t doing him any favors. He knew it, but it was his addiction and his place to snuff out, not mine. And I don’t care what potheads say, pot is a drug and you can be addicted to it, just like anything else in life. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be such a market for “cleansers” or clean urine.
Then, there is Chris, my current boyfriend. It feels so lame to just call him that, when I know that he is so much more. Chris and have done the back and forth for over two and a half years. I’ve written about him, but I mostly wrote him off. I had to force myself to, even though I knew we were meant to be.
I don’t understand the whole soul mate thing as well as I wish I did, but part of that comes from my lack experience with relationships. I simply haven’t seen enough happy ones in my life.
I knew, when we met, that Chris is supposed to father my children. We complement one another perfectly. Sure, we have some snags, because this is his first relationship and he has trust issues, not to mention my own, but we’re making a go of it. I don’t know how this is going to play out, but I am hoping for the best. I am especially encouraged by the fact that I can talk to Chris about anything. I can confess anything to him and he’d accept me. I have been looking for someone like this for so long, that I started to believe they didn’t exist.
Out of my top three people, one being Chris, the other being Justin, and the other being a girl I could never end up with, Chris is the one I think might be mine. True, there are his family issues like his dad being hostile and his mom accusing me of giving him AIDS or some other nasty STD and my money issues and general anger, but most of the time it’s just so good. I am forever anxious to see him, to be with him, to just be near him and have him wrapped around me. And I can tell he feels the same way. Not only from his actions, but because he tells me so.
Then, there is the sex. I’m finally having sex regularly with someone I love. I NEVER thought that would happen. I mean, ever. How this happened, I don’t know, but I’m glad that it did. With the exception of most bodily fluids, nothing is off limits between us. That is another thing I never thought I’d find. I figured I’d always have to feel unsatisfied sexually, because I simply don’t have as many reservations as most people. I might be hesitant because I’ve never tried something before and may not know exactly how to do it, but I’m definitely willing to try. And Chris, my Chris, is just like me. It’s not even simply him being willing to try certain things, it’s him asking me, begging me to do things I never thought I’d get the chance to do.
I feel perfectly contented thinking about it; knowing that my ‘wild’ co-workers don’t have spit on me. They have no idea and that’s the way I like it.
Well, I need to do a few things more before I head in to work. I should be all finished up, but I’m not because I’m a hobo. But what else is new?
Actually, damn near everything.
Hopefully, my driving permit will have come in, as I need to have it in hand to start on the road to where I need to be.