How Could You???
(5:31 P.M. – 5:51 P.M. US Central Time/Saturday/Downtown library)
[imood mood at time of entry: nothing]
Note: The reason there is no mood for today is because there can only be one mood highlighted with imood and I have too many to try and squeeze into only one.
I do not intend to make this entry short, but not overly long either. But I’ve just one thing to say. Life, you’ve got some nerve! Rolling on like this, changing me the way you do. Making children grow up and force them to take on responsibilities. How dare you?! How could you?!
It seems like just yesterday I was a little girl in mind and body, now I am little girl only in mind. Sure, I’ve grown, and I understand more of the World and all of that, but when everything else in life is boiled away. I am still just a scared little girl who just wants someone to love her, to like her, to be proud of her. And damn you Life, you went on without me. You left me behind, and here I stand on the edge of adulthood, in every way in my life, and you, you abandoned me to move forward concerned only with your progression. I thought that things could stay somewhat the same forever, but your creepy accomplices, “circumstances”, have all but insured that this will never be.
I have one day left in high school. One. Day. It’s not ever a whole day at that. It one day that I will go in to take my Final in Computer Applications and then my Credit-By-Exam tests. It might be stretched out to more days if I don’t take both of my tests and the final all on the same day, but even that is utterly useless. My high school life is over.
For something that had been such a huge part of me, such a big part of my life to just end like this, tears up my heart in ways that I can neither fully explain, nor entirely expected. I just thought that once I reached the end, I would be happy to finally just be out, since, that has been my only thought for years now. After rushed years of classes, friends, clubs, school functions, and tons of trouble, it’s all come to an abrupt end. I am no longer a child, and there is nothing that I can do about it.
It’s not that I do not cherish the opportunity presented to me, but so much the fact that a new phase of my life is beginning, and I am not entirely certain of how to handle it. Now comes college, which has me scared like crazy and excited beyond belief. I wish that I paid more attention to the Seniors who went on before me. Their sorrow and pain, and methods to handle it. You know, the ones that did not include getting drunk every night, or sleeping with every living thing in their paths.
But now, the time has come for me to say goodbye, and it’s not so fond a farewell. I am lost and slung free. I am unsteady and hurt. I don’t know what to do.
I do have to pick a college after I complete the first year, or two, at the community college that it near my house to save money. But after that, what next? Moving away from home to make friends with people I’ve never met in a city that I’ve never lived in before? This definitely a time where I want to cry and be relieved of all my sorrow. Most of all, right now, I need my friends that I started out this ordeal with, but we get so busy and don’t talk as much. I could really use a friend right now.
Danielle
You’ll find as life goes on that those highschool years seem less and less significant. Everyone moves on eventually and you’ll the saddest people are the ones that cling to those highschool days forever. I know you won’t though. I know that once you get out there you’ll find people to intellectualize with and be friends with.
I remember graduating and having this sudden fear of adultness and thinking that everything would magically change overnight. It doesn’t though. Things change slowly. You go to college and you realize that you’re still just a kid comparitively speaking until you have a few more years under your belt. I know where your anger and sadness come from.
Make the rest of your life an adventure. I mean it’s the one thing that is uniquely yours. You’re the only one can live your life so why not have the best possible time doing it.
Take things one day at a time and enjoy the here and now. When you walk your graduation walk away and out the door moving towards something not away from highschool.
a poet called this feeling "sailing rootless in a shadowy sea"… rootless, i identify with that. but only for the time being. soon you will put down new roots in a new spot and continue to grow. think of it like this: your roots were getting too strong and growing too wide for your old, narrow spot to take.
i’m also in the transition between professional college and high school and i know the feeling exactly. after a long time i’m going someplace i’ll have NO ONE. but really sis, in life we are alone, and we never really have anyone except ourselves. rejoice in that fact. this is your chance for new discovery, self-discovery.
if i could i would be two years old forever. seriously. nothing to do but eat sleep gurgle and people love every single stupid antic of yours.
but i can’t be two forever, and however much i may regret that, i have to look and move forwards.
i know it’s easier said than done, heck, nothing’s easier than spouting platitudes, but i really believe that things will get so exciting once we move into this new phase, we’ll wonder why we ever wanted to stay in the old one.
you see, sis, your times in high school are special because they have an end. if they went on forever they wouldn’t be special at all! and that’s the point of everything, to be SPECIAL and unique.
much love
((hugs)) and a bright smile
zara
*hugs* College is so much better than Highschool. You’ll love it 🙂